Call an UberCop©

Uber CEO Wilhelm Klink, in a pensive moment

Uber's disruptive new on-demand policing solution has hit a temporary snag as authorities take a second look at the company's app-based firearm licensing. Since the first of the year when the new open-carry gun law went into effect, Uber has been offering on-demand "Citizens on Patrol" services on a limited basis, and says they've had no problems either with the service itself, or with the app that allows its users to print their own firearms licenses, bypassing the "red tape" that bogs down the state licensing system. But now city officials have proposed new limits on the licensing part of the app, and the Uberlords are crying foul.

"Mandating that users read a 'Terms and Conditions' page before printing their license to bear arms is so last century," reads an Uber edict to be issued via YouTube this Friday, April 1. "Our statistics show that over 99% of our license holders report having totally clean records over the time period they elected to report on."

Uber officials don't expect a significant delay, however. They're already mobilizing their political hit squad (the UberCopters, as they're affectionately known within the Eagle's Nest, Uber's mountaintop headquarters), to blitz Austin social media and take control of the political high ground. (The corporate culture seems to incorporate a lot of that sort of iconography; it's something of a fetish for Uber CEO Wilhelm Klink, known affectionately as "Der Führer.") The company casts it as a safety issue, noting that many of their customers are women and other people who can't necessarily depend on the publicly-funded police force to provide what they need. "Say you get in a jam and need some help," says Klink in the YouTube release. "You could call 911, and talk to a dispatcher, and they'll tell you they'll send someone as soon as they can, but you don't know when that is, or who that's going to be. Or you could open your UberCop© app, and bam, you see everyone who's in your area, what armament they're carrying, and what it's going to cost for a whole range of force levels."

Mayor Steve Adler offered a late compromise proposal to issue "badges" for any peace officers who choose to reveal their names and identify themselves in public, but while a company spokester said Uber was "open to all new ideas," the informal word was less positive. "Heh, heh, cute. No," was Klink's reported response.

And if push really comes to shove, Uber points out that, while they would "probably never be the ones to start a firefight," they do have over 10 times as many guns on the street as the Austin Police Department and National Guard combined. So if you want to be serious about public safety, there's really only one question, says Klink with a smile made crooked by an old dueling scar: "Do you want to be with UberCop©, or against us?"

May 7 is election day; early voting starts April 25.