The Luv Doc: Willingness To Commit

Luvdoc,
My daughter recently got gauges in her ears. They are small gauges, but I am worried that she will get bigger gauges and eventually she will end up with giant flesh loops where her earlobes used to be. Should I stand my ground now, or not say anything and hope she comes to her senses? - Concerned

Concerned, I feel ya. Who hasn’t recoiled in terror upon discovering that their burrito girl at Freebirds has earlobe holes the size of cock rings? That’s a mental image you don’t want flopping around in your head while she’s working the sour cream caulk gun. However, say what you will about her choice of body mods, you can’t question her level of commitment. A hundred thousand kids like her, and yours, could storm the beach at Normandy. Imagine wave after wave of kids coming at you who already have holes in their bodies bigger than you could make with a machine gun. It would be terrifying. It’s exactly that level of mindless commitment that makes America such an awesome adversary. We’re a goddamned superpower and our superpower is our willingness to commit: To people, plans, and ideas - no matter how insane or doomed they are. We don’t sit around overthinking shit. We’re a country of decisive action and irrevocable consequences. Ever notice how fast the burrito line moves at Freebirds? Damn skippy. Americans don’t look into a vat of fat-soaked carnitas and spiral into an endless existential predicament. Hell no. Spoon some extra queso on that bastard, hit it with the sour cream caulk gun, and send it on down the line. People are waiting. You’re not special … even though ironically, specialness is the American mantra. In America, we tend to emphasize the fact that every snowflake is different and not the fact that every snowflake is just a fucking snowflake. We’re all on the same meat train to the apocalypse and no amount of tribal armband tattoos or subdermal silicone horn implants is going to change that. So, while you should praise your daughter for being every bit as original as the hundreds of thousands of other people in America who have ear gauges, you should also ask yourself if maybe you place too much value on physical appearance. It’s very possible she’s gauging precisely because she thinks you care. It’s exceptionally hard not to – especially when it’s your daughter. Remember Hamlet’s lament? “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt/Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.” It will soon enough, so we might as well have fun with it while it lasts.