The Luv Doc: Best Friend Breakup

Dear Luv Doc,

I moved to Austin in 2022 with my boyfriend. He grew up in Round Rock and went to college at UT before taking a job on the East Coast where we met. A few years after we started dating he got a job offer in Austin. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I agreed to move here with him. The nice part about moving to the Austin area was that my boyfriend already had an established friend group. Everyone was really nice to me and made me feel at home. Very quickly I became best friends with the girlfriend of my boyfriend’s best friend. Over the past couple of years we have all spent a lot of time together as couples and she and I have also become best friends. The guys will go golfing or to some sport event and we will go do our thing. It’s been great, but last fall she and my boyfriend’s friend started fighting and they have broken up and gotten back together two times. During this time I have tried to be a faithful friend to both of them. Then they broke up again a few weeks ago. This weekend my boyfriend’s friend told me privately that he doesn’t want me to be friends with her anymore because he thinks it would affect his friendship with my boyfriend. I haven’t told my boyfriend about this yet because I don’t know what to do. She has literally become my best friend. I don’t think it’s fair of him to say I can’t be friends with my best friend. What should I do? I want to support my boyfriend’s best friend, but not at the expense of my best friend.

– A Best Friend’s Girl Friend

First of all, your question makes a strong case for pseudonyms, but I think I follow, so well done. If I’m not mistaken, it’s the old our-friends-who-are-a-couple-are-breaking-up trope. I would like to say there is a cookie-cutter solution to your dilemma, but unfortunately that’s not the case. I do feel like there are (OK, there should be) some basic ground rules to this sort of scenario. The problem is, couples break up for all kinds of reasons, some of which are totally understandable. For instance: Let’s say your friend privately confided to you that she is breaking up with your boyfriend’s best friend (Let’s call him Earl, shall we? Who doesn’t love an Earl?) because she found out Earl secretly voted for Trump and thinks he’s doing a great job as president. If Earl were then to say to you, “If you continue to hang out with my (ex) girlfriend (let’s call her Verna), it might affect me and your boyfriend’s (let’s call him Zoltan, because everybody knows a Zoltan, right?) friendship.” I think we both know how that conversation would end. You would tell Earl to go fuck himself – or at the very least you would tell him to get used to fucking himself because nobody else is going to. You would not cave to his strong-arm intimidation tactics simply because you are afraid of ruining Earl and Zoltan’s best friendship. Quite the contrary.

However, if Verna were to tell you she broke up with Earl because Earl refuses to sell his Cybertruck, you might be tempted to take a more nuanced approach. Don’t. That motherfucker could have bought a Model S for the same price he paid for his giant electric douchecanoe. The Model S does 0-60 in 2.4 seconds. Now, I will freely admit that still doesn’t justify buying a car from a Nazi wannabe, but you have to allow for that fact that he night have bought it before Herr Elon started Sieg Heiling his fellow Trump minions. Buying a Cybertruck screams, “Look at me!” Buying a Model S screams, “Look at me for 2.4 seconds.” Yes, it’s a nearly indistinguishable difference, but it’s still a difference.

Those are just two examples of what could go horribly wrong in a relationship. I’ve even heard of people breaking up with each other over trivial things like Beatles/Stones, cats/dogs, Aggies/Longhorns. Yes, the choices are glaringly obvious, but they’re not great grounds for a breakup. They’re barely sufficient justification for couples counseling. So you’re going to have to ask yourself: Is the reason for Earl and Verna’s breakup something you’re willing to take a moral stand about? Or is it simply their own damn business? One last judgment if I may: Unless Verna did something insanely heinous like hearting Karoline Leavitt’s Insta, Earl’s attempted coercion of your behavior definitely qualifies as controlling douchebaggery. I get that he might be hurting, but it’s a bit selfish that he’s OK asking you to share his pain. I say, follow your heart. Also, tell Zoltan. Zoltan needs to know.