The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,
On Friday night, my girlfriend and I went out to dinner with some friends and I had too many gin and tonics (that’s my excuse) and later that night, when we were having sex, I accidentally said my ex-girlfriend’s name. I swear it was a totally innocent brain fart and I wasn’t even thinking about my ex, but my girlfriend was totally pissed and we got in a big fight. I really don’t think about my ex at all and I don’t even know why I said her name, but it’s definitely not because I still have feeling for her or think about her. What should I try to do to make things better?
- Jackass

Think of it this way Jackass, at least you didn’t throw up in her face. Like British colonialism, gin vom leaves a wicked bitter aftertaste. That said, I can tell you that vomiting in your girlfriend’s face would probably have been met with more compassion and forgiveness than your little fornication faux pas. It is generally agreed upon that when something arises involuntarily out of your stomach it’s not something you can control – sort of like a baby shitting its diaper. Brain farting, however, gets no such credit. Short of a note from your doctor claiming you have a full-on case of Tourette’s, whatever comes out of your mouth will always be taken as a nearly exact indicator of what’s going on inside your head. That’s an excellent reason to keep it shut during sex. To paraphrase an old Proverb: It is better to shut the fuck up and be considered a loving, supportive boyfriend than to open your mouth and prove otherwise.

But then, what fun is that? You can’t live your life under a vow of silence for fear that you’ll say something astoundingly stupid. That’s ridiculous. This column would never get written under such circumstances. Rush Limbaugh wouldn’t have a TV show, Mike Tyson would never do press interviews, W would have never been President – although it’s entirely possible that he was completely checked out and Cheney was using him as a ventriloquism dummy. The point is, you can’t (and shouldn’t) judge someone entirely on what they say. You have to give a decent amount of credit to what they do as well. Bush – or the droopy-faced curmudgeon with his hand up Bush’s ass – started a war without justification that was responsible for the deaths of more than a hundred thousand people. That’s what he did, and that’s what he’ll be judged on.

The good news, Jackass, is that the blade swings the other way. Hopefully, you have a rich history of positive things you have done and said for and to your girlfriend that completely contradict the incident on Friday night. If she doesn’t see that already, point it out to her, and if you don’t have any good things to point out then you’re going to need to start shitting some (that’s a figure of speech) chop chop. A large bouquet of roses may not overcome the stench of a bad brain fart, but it’s a step in the right direction.