The Luv Doc: Stoned Alone

Dear Luv Doc,

It was 4/20 Wednesday and I was high basically the whole day like I always am on 4/20 since I started smoking in high school. When my girlfriend came home from work we got into an argument. Well, she got into an argument because I was too stoned to argue. She wanted to go get sushi for dinner but I didn't want to deal with all that. I just wanted to chill at home. She got angry – which she does a lot – and stormed out of the house then came home with sushi and locked herself in the bedroom. She has been mad at me ever since. This morning she left a Post-it note on the kitchen table. It said, "To-do List: Get your sh*t together or get out." I don't know if it was for me or for her, but I think it was for me. I think I do have my shit together, I just smoke weed and she doesn't. I have a decent job and pay my half of the bills. I don't know what more she wants other than me giving up weed, which I really don't want to do. What am I doing wrong?

– Bkd4Lyfe

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Well, I can think of a few things, but I don't want to get all churchy about your drug use. Bakers gotta bake, right? Plus, for all I know, you might be really tightly wound and super anxious when you're not high. I think I can safely say that, on the balance, I am thankful that most of the habitual pot smokers I know are habitual pot smokers. That shit really smooths the edges. I can't tell you how many conversations I have had with habitual pot smokers who go to great pains to explain to me how chill of a person they are – especially when they are high – only to turn into an obsessive, neurotic shitshow when their weed dealer leaves town. That's why I say, legalize it! I would much rather deal with some blissed-out, skunky-smelling, red-eyed Spicoli than, say, Ted Cruz after a Starbucks Nitro Cold Brew®. That said, I can't imagine how intensely paranoid Ted Cruz would be after a couple of medicinal-grade bong hits, so maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie.

Now, I realize it's unlikely that your girlfriend shares my fond feelings for the medicinal and recreational benefits of cannabis. After all, she lives with a guy who decided it was OK not to check in with her before he got too stoned to deal with eating sushi. I know it probably seems like I am poking fun at you because I am, and I will concede that she should probably have cut you some slack on this one because, A) It was 4/20, and B) Eating sushi is pretty fucking intimidating even when you're totally clear-headed. I get it. Just properly holding a set of chopsticks is a pretty impressive feat of dexterity, but then you have to grab a flimsy, crumbly, often slimy piece of sushi, dip it in soy sauce, and manage to somehow get it into your mouth without dropping it on your shirt. Honestly, eating sushi with a pair of chopsticks is pretty much a nightmare field sobriety test. Cops should probably drive around with spicy tuna rolls in their cars. At the very least drunks wouldn't be able to say, "It smells like pork in here," when they get cuffed and thrown into a squad car. It just wouldn't make sense.

Anyway, my point is that you don't have to be particularly stoned to be intimidated by the thought of eating sushi, but that doesn't necessarily get you off the hook with your girlfriend for being a self-indulgent asshole. It would be one thing if you and your girlfriend get high together or if your routinely check in with her before getting high alone or with friends, but it's something else entirely if you're showing up for real life unable to do much else but stare at your hands and muse about how weird they look or sit on the couch eating Funyuns, binge-watching the Three Stooges. I am not saying those aren't lofty goals for certain people, but if staying stoned 24/7 wasn't on your list of life goals when you met your girlfriend, I can see how she might feel disappointed. As ever, relationships are all about effective communication. Right now it seems you need to communicate to your girlfriend how important she is to you – maybe even more important than pot ... at least for a while. Maybe she's not, and that's OK too. After all, you've already proven you can get stoned without her. Might as well make it official.