The Luv Doc: The Wrong Message

Dear Luv Doc,

I broke up with my boyfriend nearly a year ago, but he still texts and calls me almost as regularly as when we were dating. I know I am partly responsible for his behavior because I usually pick up the phone or respond to his texts. He's a nice guy, and I don't want to be mean to him. I want us to continue to be friends, but I am worried that I am sending the wrong message. I don't have any interest whatsoever in rekindling a romantic relationship with him, but I am not so sure he feels the same way. Is it OK for me to allow him to keep contacting me regularly, or should I cut him off cold turkey?

– Bothered, Not Bothered

---

Oh, Bothered, your situation is a classic example of a problem that could be solved by communication. Notice I didn't say easily solved. If it were easy I imagine you would have already done it. Merely the fact that you are worried you might be sending the wrong message means that you haven't sent a message at all – or rather, that you haven't sent the message that actually needs to be sent. What message? It's the one where you call him and say, "Hey, nice-guy ex, you have been texting and calling me regularly ever since we broke up a year ago, and I'm worried that you might still think there's a chance we might rekindle a romantic relationship. If that's what you're thinking, the answer is no, I don't have any interest whatsoever in rekindling a romantic relationship." OK, that's it. That is absolutely the maximum number of times I am allowed to use the word "rekindling" in this column. Whoopsy! Just did it again.

You already knew that, though, didn't you? I mean, not the part about there being a maximum number of times I can use the word "rekindling" in this column (fuck! I just did it again), but the part about asking your ex if he's still trying to bone you. Chances are that if you broke up with him, he still is. That's why your conscience is nagging you, and there is truly only one way to get that monkey off your back. You remember. It rhymes with "communication."

Here's the deal: Clearly communicating your wants and desires ... or unwants and undesires ... isn't "being mean." It's being honest. Allowing your ex to keep – maybe even nurture – the misconception that you still might redevelop (see what I did there?) feels for him is dishonest and ultimately might cause him more pain in the long run. You seem like a compassionate person. Sometimes compassion is nipping something in the bud. Yes, you might kill the flower, but in this case the flower is likely to be pain, resentment, and possibly even anger, and that's no way to run a friendship, is it?

Can I say for certain your ex won't react negatively when you remove any hope he has for romantic reconciliation? No. He might gnash his teeth and rend his garments and maybe even promise to stalk you to the ends of the Earth like Daniel Day-Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans. However, it's just as possible that he will suck it up and not let his feelings of hurt and abandonment negatively affect your friendship. Just know that he will never get that chance unless you provide it to him by being honest about your own feelings.