Luv Doc: The Morning Grump

Dear Luv Doc,

My wife and I have two kids. We live in a house with two bathrooms and a cat. Needless to say, four people getting ready for work and school in a house with two bathrooms can be a cluster-eff. I realize this is a first-world problem, but it's a problem nonetheless. This is especially so when it comes to the morning grump. I usually drop the kids off at the pool in our bathroom since our kids are usually getting ready in the other one. Here's the thing. My wife always leaves her coffee in the bathroom that I am destroying. Anybody who's ever been in a public restroom knows what it's like to choke on someone else's poop fumes. Poop fumes are not only real, they're a measurable force in nature ... like rainfall, climate change, the internet, and Trump supporters. Similar to the inexplicable force that can at times land all four of us in one bathroom at the same time – including the cat – I wonder if that same gravitational pull works on befouled air molecules. I always spray the air freshener in the opposite direction of her coffee cup, but I gotta know ... am I defiling my wife's coffee by pooping proxy?

– The Morning Grump

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Yes, unquestionably, by every definition of the word, you are defiling your wife's coffee. Here is a quick list of synonyms for the word defile. You tell me which does NOT apply in this instance: Spoil, sully, mar, debase, degrade; poison, taint, tarnish; destroy, ruin, desecrate, profane, violate; contaminate, pollute, debase, dishonor. That last one is a bit abstract, I will grant, but if there is any honor in a cup of coffee, the stench of a huge shit surely disses it.

Now, I realize that part of being a monster is lacking the self-awareness that you are a monster. I mean, you're just doing what comes naturally, right? Surely, the impending urgency of your bowel movement negates any obligation to behave like a caring, compassionate human being – someone with just enough conscience to take a few seconds and move his wife's coffee to a less toxic location. When a bro's gotta go, a bro's gotta go, no?

I'm sure your wife completely sympathizes with your predicament as well. After all, you're only sacrificing her coffee for your children's well-being – and very likely for the peace and harmony of the entire household. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if she dropped a bloody tampon in your Cap'n Crunch because the thought of walking all the way to a trash can was too exhausting. You'd be all like, "I feel you honey. This makes sense."

That's not really apples to apples anyway because, from an epidemiological standpoint at least, poop gas doesn't contain pathogens. The bloody tampon, on the other hand, might well be a teeming cesspool of bacteria and viruses. Your wife might actually kill you with such a cavalier attitude about tampon disposal. In my opinion, she probably should because maybe then she can find a man who doesn't shit all over her fresh cup of coffee every morning with only a modicum of guilt. Yes, I am speaking metaphorically, but that doesn't make your wife's coffee any more palatable. My advice: Do better or do elsewhere.