Luv Doc: A Flaming Hetero

Dear Luv Doc,

My best friend from college is a lesbian, and she recently married a woman she's been dating for a couple of years. My husband and I hang out with them all the time, take trips together, and consider them our best friends. If we won a trip for four people to go to Hawaii, we would immediately ask them to join us. All that to say, we are all great friends. However ... I have one qualm that I've been battling since the beginning of my friend's courtship. Her now-wife clearly has some sort of latent attraction to my husband. She is always saying how much she loves him and he's the only guy she likes. That's not a problem, I totally get why anyone would like him. The problem is, when she gets drunk the compliments turn to inappropriate behavior. On multiple occasions, she has full-on kissed him on the mouth in front of me, while my husband did not reciprocate and was clearly uncomfortable. The rest of the time, it's holding his hand, hanging on him, and hugging him. These other things wouldn't be a big deal, but she's not really a touchy-feely person and this behavior doesn't extend to anyone else, just my husband. Part of what bothers me is that she expects all this to be cool with me because she's a lesbian. It's still inappropriate and drives me up a wall. Am I being too sensitive? – Jealous Straight Wife

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It sounds like your husband is a wonderful guy. Would you mind if I make out with him? It's OK, I'm totally straight and everything, but your husband sounds like just the kind of pushover that I could really snog. I mean, if he doesn't have a problem with a lesbian mouth kissing him he probably won't have a problem with a little dude-on-dude tonsil hockey, right? Not to mention it might be worth a few hundred views on the gay section of Pornhub. Once again, I am a flaming hetero who was once described by one of our politics writers as the most heteronormative person she'd ever met. Yes, I found that a little shocking myself, but no matter what we believe ourselves to be, we are what we prove ourselves to be, and she seemed very sure that I am a breeder. So what I am saying is that your husband should be totally comfortable swapping spit with me.

If he's not, my bet is that he won't wait around for you to tell me how inappropriately I am behaving. My guess is that he will be swift and strident in his remonstration – perhaps even physically assaultive. Or maybe he will be cool with it if I show him a picture of my wife and kids and assure him that I have ticked off a lot of the boxes on my macho worksheet: hunting, fishing, frog gigging, grease monkeying, fighting, whiskey drinking, wood chopping, linebacking, wrestling, spitting, crocheting, dancing, extreme cuddling ... well, you get the idea. Point is, your husband has nothing to worry about unless he bears a really strong resemblance to Ryan Gosling or maybe George Clooney, and even then only if I have been drinking really heavily – like half-a-bottle-of-tequila heavy – which depending on the tequila might as well just be a roofie. Regardless, you have nothing to worry about no matter how long or passionate the kissing appears to be, and it very well might be so convincing as to make you blush or spray us with cold water.

Whatever happens between me and your husband, he bears no responsibility. It will be up to you to put the kibosh on it. Don't bother talking to him and telling him how uncomfortable it makes you. Just know that no matter how jealous you get, I am super straight so it would be really uncool to even bring it up with him. Alrighty then! Glad we got that worked out!