Luv Doc: A Very Depressive Point of View

Dear Luv Doc,

I'm 28 years old, about to turn 29 in March. I'm a legal immigrant, which means that I have all the same rights as any other American citizen that has lived here all his/her life. I've lived in this country for nine months already. The thing is, all the people that I'm meeting here, besides co-workers that I don't know much about their lives, are sad, and anxious, and have a very depressive point-of-view of life. They all feel trapped. They are not happy. They are still paying their student loans or living with $100 a month to actually spend on living. They have no free time and they are stressed as hell. They are my age more or less, and they are more depressed than I am. I feel scared. I don't know if I want to keep living here. What would you recommend, Luv Doc?!

– Jen Ooh

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First of all, kudos on the timeliness of your letter. You clearly are tapped into the American zeitgeist. You should be scared. Every bit as much as Americans should be depressed. Unwittingly (which is pretty much how he does everything) President Trump is discouraging immigration by turning America into a shithole country.

Now, your knuckle-dragging alt-right shitbags and lockstepped Republican defenders-of-the-prez will try to make you think that's just more of Trump's "stable genius," but to anyone sporting something larger than just a meth-addled brainstem, it's painfully obvious that he is an embarrassingly ignorant, hubristic asshole and a fundamentally immoral person.

I know to a reasonable and sane person like yourself it may seem like I am sugarcoating, but I have to show some restraint because this is a general circulation newspaper. Kids could be reading it. They probably would at least if they weren't so goddamn depressed about the current political shitshow.

Look, you seem like a pretty decent person. Someone of sound mind and body who has something worthwhile to contribute to the world. Therefore, I am going to recommend you move to Norway. For starters, they somehow managed to pull the rabbit of universal health care out of their hat. We haven't managed that dark magic even though we've had a couple hundred years to figure it out. In the UN's 2013 "World Happiness Report" Norway came in second. The U.S. clocked in at 17, right behind Mexico (16) and Panama (15). Here's something else that's cool about Norway: You can go anywhere you want on public lands – and pitch a tent. They have the Northern Lights, reindeer, and you can snow ski in the summer.

In other words, contrary to our Idiot-in-Chief's racist desires, no one in Norway wants to come to America because, other than the fact that it is cold as fuck and the country has a strange obsession with black metal bands, it's a pretty sweet place that isn't being ruined by an orange-haired stack of turds. So, if you want to avoid the inevitably deepening depression that will envelop this country in the next three years, I would book a ticket to Oslo on Norwegian Air.