The Luv Doc: Kid Crazy

Dear Luv Doc,

As a professional woman in my mid-30s, I have found that the pool of available men has been shrinking considerably. Because of this, I have had to ... let's just say "expand the eligibility requirements" of potential dates. Occasionally this means I date men who are younger than me, but mostly I date men who are 5-10 years older. I am OK with this because I find them to be more compatible, but last weekend I went out with a guy who really took the cake. During dinner, he casually mentioned that he wanted to have at least three children. He is 53 years old. Is it me, or is it Austin that attracts this kind of nutjob?

– BreederNOT

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OK, let's not get too judgy. After all, Noah didn't have Shem, Ham, and Japheth until he was 500. Question: Did this fellow mention anything about building a huge boat in his backyard? I mean, I'm not saying this dude isn't a nutjob, but there has been a lot of chatter on the Interwebs about rising sea levels and whatnot, and if we're going to have a 40-day flood that inundates the entire globe, I have a 401K that I need to cash out. I don't know about you, but if I am going to be on a boat for 40 days, I want to have plenty of food, water, sunscreen, and tequila.

Regardless of whether this dude has insider information, though, I think you're probably right in giving him the stiff arm. Any man over the age of 50 who wants to have children isn't playing with a full deck. I nearly vasectomized myself with a pair of Crayola safety scissors one night at the tender age of 34 after having changed the shockingly poopy diaper of my third and final child. Why? Not because I am squeamish, but because I was exhausted. I am not going to say that kids aren't precious little miracles. They are. But they are precious little miracles that will wear you the fuck out like nothing else. I can't even imagine trying that Mario Andretti pit crew diaper change routine over the age of 50. I'd rather draw a warm bath and swallow a few hundred Dilaudid.

So, I think if you actually backhanded this lunatic right there in the restaurant, people would forgive you. Hell, even Jesus would forgive you – and I am not just saying that because it's his schtick. You deserve a beautiful life devoid of snotty noses, projectile vomit, and diaper blowouts. And even if you decide to have one small, well-behaved child, you should probably choose a fellow who's spry enough to do the dirty work.

Yes, Austin is a city full of delusional, aging narcissists, but there is still hope. Newer, younger delusional narcissists keep moving here every day, and they are going to need someone to birth their gifted progeny, too. Avoid them like the plague they are.