The Luv Doc: Hopelessness

LuvDoc,
I think I found the girl of my dreams, but after going out with her a few times, she stopped answering my calls and has replied to my emails saying that she is not interested in me romantically and that she just wants to be friends. Any suggestions on how I might win her back?
- Still Hopeful

Dude. Ouch. My heart truly goes out to you. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life. I know it seems like I am setting up a punch line here, but I’m not. There is no payoff. The girl of your dreams is the girl who loves you back, and that is something you can’t control. I know that sounds really depressing because in your mind you’re always thinking … “maybe if I start working out and get an awesomely toned body with six-pack abs” … or “maybe if I write a hit song or a Broadway play or a bestselling book” … or “maybe if I get obscenely rich like Bill Gates” … or “maybe if I get plastic surgery and end up looking like Brad Pitt or John Hamm or Justin Bieber ” Wait a minute … scratch the Bieber. That’s not playing fair. It’s true those types of thoughts can change your life and make you a better person, but it’s unlikely they’re going to address the core problem … neither is tying her up in a basement until she sees what an awesome guy you are. Let me assure you that will never happen … even if you don’t tie her up … even if it is a really awesome basement (like the one in That '70s Show) … even if you aren’t wearing a patchwork dress made of human skins. Actually, there’s a pretty slim chance you’re a serial killer, but it looks to me like you’re a bit of an optimist. There’s no shame in that. Pessimists rarely get the ball rolling. In this case, however, I am going to suggest you channel that optimism into the notion that there might be someone out there – even in this tiny backwater of barely a million souls – who might be dreamier than your dream girl. (pssst … I know that’s not going to happen either, but I am an incurable pessimist). Even still, trying to convince yourself that someone better is going to come along is preferable to standing outside her window in a trench coat with a jam box above your head playing In Your Eyes. That would just be fucking ridiculous.