Brewster's Barometer
Illustration By Doug Potter
Shifting political winds? Storm clouds gathering over City Hall? No matter the forecast, Austin power players shouldn't be caught without Brewster's Barometer, the latest in poli-meteoro-tainment from Cracky & Co. The barometer's fine-tuned political sensors alert aldermen to any changes in the weather politic, letting them adjust their outfits (and outlooks) accordingly. Whether it's calls for sunshine at City Hall or those pesky toll road rain clouds (Costelloco's rain-gutter sludge collector sold separately), no change in pressure goes unnoticed. With Brewster's Barometer, you'll know which way the wind blows – and when it's just hot air.
Holiday Goodies Pack for Developers
For the Condo Impresario Who Has Everything: It's rough being a builder or development attorney. You've thrown condos up everywhere but Oakwood Cemetery, but gazing into your
chilaquiles at Las Manitas, you know it's not enough. Cheer yourself up with this specially assembled package. That beloved Austin institution isn't going to tear
itself down, you know! Contents include:
• An autographed photo from city staff, to let you know you're appreciated.
• Mind of Mencia DVD set, for the cultural sensitivity required when developing Latino neighborhoods. Remember, "You belong East."
• One rent voucher, for an "affordable" $1,000 per month apartment, for when you feel like slumming.
Gipper's Greatest Laughs
Wondering again what to get for that impossibly right-wing uncle or that aging frat-boy cousin who longs for the good old days when men were men, horses were horses, and it was still morning in America? How about a priceless audio collection –
Ronald Reagan's Greatest Laughs? No, we don't mean the boffo mass firing of air-traffic controllers, nor the hilarious, long-running
Iran-Contra Follies, nor even Ronnie's acclaimed
Panama Madness (starring Manuel "CIA" Noriega), which didn't close until the first Bush administration. We're talking literal jokes (and "funny stories") from the ineffable King of the Mirthless One-Liner, who once opened a radio broadcast with a knee-slapper declaring a bombing assault on the Soviet Union. The Faux Gipper also had a full repertory of welfare queen jokes, trickle-down economics jokes, and what-am-I-doing-here? jokes! Now that's entertainment! And it's all available on CD or audio cassette for only $19.95 at
NewsMax.com, the bilious right-wing Web service that turned the news into a joke. At NewsMax, you can also get the latest Bill O'Reilly book hoax, or if you're feeling even more nostalgic, a John Wayne retrospective. Merry Xmas!
Free Iraq Getaway
Illustration By Doug Potter
Looking for a way to limit your in-laws' holiday-season visit? Have we got the solution for you! In an effort to win back support for the Iraq war, the U.S. Army is giving away free one-week, all-expense-paid trips to Iraq. According to a promotional brochure put out by Uncle Sam, although the liberal media would like Americans to believe that Iraq is a dangerous, war-torn mess, it's really quite the desert paradise. Can you think of a more exotic way to achieve a crisp tan than lying out for a toasty afternoon on the gracious sand dunes of the Kalahari Desert? Just be sure to wear your bulletproof shades. For more info, see
www.operationdesertparadise.gov, or call 800/JOKE-ON-U.
Rummy's Forget Me (Not!) T-Shirt (Great Desert Vacation Accessory!)
The curtains closed on Donald Rumsfeld's career last week, and not a moment too soon. Here's a timely gift that fits the season to a T. Dreaming of a cathartic Christmas? Blaze the hike-and-bike trail in this little number (pictured), and your endorphins will perk up faster than you can say "I don't do quagmires." Rumsfeld Who? Indeed. Find this and other Rummy gems at
www.cafepress.com (search under Donald Rumsfeld).
Weed Watch: Holy-Daze Edition
If you're looking to get your favorite drug warrior/policy reformer a good holiday read, look no further than Dean Kuipers' excellent and detailed
Burning Rainbow Farm: How a Stoner Utopia Went Up in Smoke (Bloomsbury, 361 pp., $24.95). It's a tragic and cautionary tale about how the American war on drugs actually works – or doesn't – and how in the end, the narco-warrior's quixotic impossibility costs real lives. To wit:
Burning Rainbow Farm tells the story of lovers Tom Crosslin and Rollie Rohm, founders of Rainbow Farm, a civil libertarian utopia in Southwestern Michigan that drew activists and free thinkers of all stripes – hippies, militia men, and evangelicals among them – to their annual festivals. Or so it was until a righteous prosecutor got crossways with Crosslin and, apparently without regard for the possible consequences, designed to snare Crosslin and Rohm on drug charges, seize the farm, and shut the whole thing down. The law got what it wanted but left Crosslin and Rohm dead, torn through by sniper rifle fire. The story blew onto headlines in early September 2001 but was obliterated on 9/11, never to return. Kuipers has done a painstaking job of reporting the entire story – from the beginnings of Rainbow Farm through the final days of its founders' lives – and has produced an engaging tale about the struggle between state power and individual rights. It is a must-read.
