The Year That Wasn't

Reasons Why Rick Perry Will Not Be Elected Governor

1. Kay Bailey Hutchison. It's no secret that Republican Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison is eager to come back to Texas and run for governor. Hutchison is smarter, a better fundraiser, and far more savvy about government than Perry.

2. To make room for Kay Bailey Hutchison, President Bush will appoint the somewhat bovine Perry to the meat-beat at the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

3. John Cornyn. If ambition is a grievous fault, this guy is grievously faulty. The most ambitious big-time Republican pol in Texas, the stately looking Cornyn has spent the past year positioning himself in front of news cameras. Other than the candidates and the Asian-American California delegate who covered his entire body with Bush-Cheney bumper stickers, our AG was the most photographed man at the Republican convention in Philadelphia.

4. Carole Keeton Rylander. If Kay doesn't run, and Cornyn doesn't run, it is a sure bet that the Republican comptroller will. Her ambition makes Cornyn seem almost retiring.

5. Tony Sánchez. Democrats have discovered the secret weapon they thought they had until Dan Morales signed a contract with Mark Murr: a Hispanic Democrat who has the politics of a Republican. And Laredo oil & gas man Tony Sánchez has something former attorney general Morales doesn't have: money.

6. Political Ethics. Deals that don't pass the smell test are often investigated, then reinvestigated, until a reporter finally puts all the pieces together. For years, reporters have been sniffing around a loan Perry got from Haskell bank.

7. Chingando... Shortly after Perry was sworn in as ag commissioner, his Texas Dept. of Agriculture dismantled several critical protections put in place by his predecessor to protect farmworkers from pesticides. For years, one lonely whistleblower has been pushing that story, and he's still out there, with a TDA file. Perry can take the same Spanish course that G.W. Bush did, to learn how to correctly say "screwing farmworkers." (We'll go with "chingando a los campesinos.") Or he can call Tony Sánchez to help him with his Spanish.

8. Perry will mistake the word "avocado" for "abogado" when addressing a group of Hispanic lawyers.

9. Perry will fail to deliver a voucher bill next session and right wing San Antonio political king maker James Leininger will cut off Perry's campaign cash.

10. Rick Perry is not very bright.