Press D-1 for Chips; Press D-4 for Pot

And now for a quick quiz: What do pretzels, bottled water, toothpaste, and marijuana have in common?
If you answered “vending machines,” you're correct.

As of Jan. 29, California medi-pot patients now have the option of picking out and picking up their pot from the selection contained within the new, patented, “PVM” – that is, Prescription Vending Machine – designed by Vincent Mehdizadeh, now installed, and ready for business, inside each of the medi-mari dispensaries he runs in Los Angeles.

It's big! It's armored! It's easy to use!

Indeed, here's the drill: First, present your valid Cali medi-pot-patient scrip to dispensary personnel. Check. Second, load a pre-paid pot card with your drug funds. Check. Now, approach the machine (day or night – perfect for medi-mari patients working the graveyard shift, or, perhaps, those wary of face-to-face transactions) and insert your card; after the machine verifies your fingerprint and snaps your mug, you're ready to go. Select dosage – 3.5 grams or 7 grams; and strain – five are currently available: Platinum Kush, Fire O.G., Bubba Kush, Purple Kush, or Wild Cherry (reportedly, Mehdizadeh's most popular pick); wait for the bright green envelope to drop down the slot, and you're done.

Convenient? Sure. Goofy? Undoubtedly. But, hey, innovation is innovation, right? And that's what Mehdizadeh is all about: “I wanted to take steps to benefit the industry,” he told the L.A. Daily News. “We have legitimate patients that need us.”

That is certainly true, but the specter of the PVM will undoubtedly play into the hands of the prohibitionists, and other drug warriors, who have long spun tall tales about how legalized medi-pot is nothing more than a backdoor scheme to effect across-the-board drug legalization, which, they posit, will no doubt lead to complete chaos – what's next, heroin machines on every corner and in every break room?! (Conveniently, no doubt, next to the Coke machine – ahem.) Of course, that argument assumes that just because you could means you would – like, Hell! PCP's legal, you say? Well, shit, sign me up! Not bloody likely.

Still, it seems inevitable that the PVM will become a premise upon which countless bits of stand-up will be based – as NORML Executive Director Allen St. Pierre has predicted: “This is bittersweet in that it shows great entrepreneurship – but opens up terrific avenues of ridicule,” he told the DN. “Please be prepared for a Jay Leno joke.”
Yeah, but not necessarily a good one.