The Luv Doc: Inviting the Uninviting

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been friends with another mother from my child’s elementary school for about two and a half years. Over that time we have become good friends and have had a lot of fun together, but her constant jealousy is really straining our relationship. For example: My husband and I have been in Austin most of our lives and we have made a lot of friends over the years. We are very social people and get invited to a lot of events. We also host regular dinners/parties, etc. and try to invite all of our friends, but we can’t always include everyone. Whenever I tell this friend about any plans she wasn’t included in, she gets annoyed and asks me lots of questions to let me know she is hurt about not being invited. It’s always something like, “How long have you known them?” or “Where did you meet them?” When I answer she makes comments like, “That’s strange, you would think I would have met them by now” or “Oh, I guess I wasn’t invited to that party.” I usually do invite her to nearly everything, but she has a bad habit of being really nice to my friends and then saying really mean things about them when they’re not around, like “What is going on with her hair?” or “She needs to back off on the Ozempic.” I know she has a lot of issues with her own looks and is extra hard on herself, so I have tried to ignore her negativity, but it’s getting so frequent she is hard to be around. She always jokes that my life is perfect because I am “wealthy and thin and pretty,” even though I have told her many times that my husband and I shared a one-bedroom apartment for 10 years until his business took off. She also knows that I had really bad postpartum weight gain and depression that nearly cost me my job, and then had to have a hysterectomy because of constant ovarian cysts. My life has been anything but perfect, but I work very hard to stay positive and to be a good friend and mother. Now the latest thing is that I told her we are having a dinner party with some of my husband’s old college friends and their wives, and I let her guilt me into inviting her too. My husband was very sweet about it, but I am having serious second thoughts. I don’t want her negativity to spoil our (my) evening. How do I uninvite her – gracefully? – A “Perfect” Mom

In a really broad, philosophical sense, each and every one of us is perfect. To paraphrase the holy-shit-I-Googled-it-and-he’s-still-alive Ft. Worth televangelist Kenneth Copeland, “Jesus don’t make no junk.” We are all unique and miraculous snowflakes, custom-manufactured by the Great Almighty – yes, even the alt-right assholes who use the term “snowflake” as a pejorative. Now, as much as Kenneth Copeland seems to be die-cast directly from The Righteous Gemstones’ Baby Billy – or vice versa? – they are not the same person. Baby Billy is a fictional character played to flawless, snowflake perfection by Walton Goggins whereas Kenneth Copeland is a real, live (again – according to Google) sleazy, spiritual grifter who has as many private jets as he has failed marriages. That’s three if you were planning on Googling. At one time, Kenneth’s nest egg was hovering around $700 million, but these days it’s down to $300 million, which should still be plenty of money to get him into heaven when his savior calls. One can assume that, on its way to the pearly gates, Kenneth’s corrupt and iniquitous soul will pass through the eye of a needle ... right behind the proverbial camel mentioned in Luke 18:25. Don’t worry, Kenneth’s not sweating it. He would be the first to tell you he’s not perfect. He has sinned, Sweet Jesus, has he sinned, but ... you know ... Jesus is all about forgiveness so Kenneth is probably still on the heavenly guest list.

Judging by your description, you friend has a few flaws herself – maybe not Kenneth Copeland level flaws, but ... yeesh ... she sounds like a dinner party disaster waiting to happen. That said, she would probably be great to have around if you need to do a drive-by or bury a corpse in the middle of the night because she seems pretty ride-or-die. There’s value in loyalty for sure, but not at the cost of all your other friends. It sounds like she wants to be your best friend. She needs you to make her feel special ... like a snowflake. You can try to do that. You can try an patch up her insecurities, but ultimately, you are not in charge of her mental health.

It’s a gross understatement to say this problem is much bigger than reneging on an invite. If this dinner is coming up shortly, I would say let the chips fall how they may and then schedule a sit-down afterward – ideally someplace where you can safely tell her that you want her to be your friend, but not if she’s going to shit on your other friends or harass you every time she is not included in your social plans. One of the best traits in a good friend is self-esteem. She can’t get that from you, but maybe she can with the help of a qualified professional. Be a good friend. Encourage her to find one.