The Luv Doc: If Not the Chili Parlor

Dear Luv Doc,

I’m a 32-year-old female who has seen her share of Tinder dates. I know the drill. Guys always pad their stats. When I meet a guy in person, I always expect him to be shorter, less witty, and a much worse dresser than he appears in his profile. If I am lucky, I might get a dinner out of it. If it’s a complete disaster, I’ll end up catching an Uber home. One thing that is always a sure bet is that the guy will want to sleep with me. That’s not a brag. It’s just how men are. About 99% of the time. There’s always an exception though, right? On Saturday I met a sweet, good-looking guy for dinner on South Congress. We hit it off immediately – same bands, movies, politics, sense of humor, etc. We ended up having a few more drinks than I usually do, so when he invited me to his apartment to “check out his huge vinyl collection” I said, “Sure, why not? Sounds kinky!” I was pleased to see he had a clean apartment and thoughtfully arranged, grownup furniture. He made some margaritas and he put on one of my favorite records and ... we started kissing. It seemed to be going well then, just when things started to get heated, he stopped, pushed me away, and said he wanted to “take it slower” so he could “get to know me better.” I felt really awkward after that, so after I finished my margarita, I said I had to go and called an Uber, all the time thinking, “That was weird, but maybe he just wasn’t into me.” Two days pass, then he texts me and asks if I want to go to a show. I said I wasn’t available, and he texted, “I am looking forward to getting to know you better. Can we plan something later in the week?” Now I’m wondering, “Is this guy an axe murderer or just a really sweet, respectful person?” Should I go out with him again or tell him to lose my number?

– First Time Reject

I don’t know. You may want to go with your gut on this one. Can you really trust a guy with a huge vinyl collection? Dude. It’s all on Spotify. Even Neil Young and Joni Mitchell. Are you just trying to make your life harder? A guy with a huge vinyl collection either has too much time on his hands or has aspirations of being a DJ. Neither scenario is ideal. At least this guy doesn’t have a CD collection. If someone has a CD collection, it means they lack a fundamental understanding of the term “digital music” ... or they live in a nursing home. Again, neither scenario is ideal, but only one of them is going to send you text at 3am that says “you up?” followed by eggplant and peach emojis. Nursing homes, AMIRITE?

I apologize for waxing negative, but I have to agree this fellow’s self-imposed chastity is a bit of a red flag. What’s he hiding? Does he have a wife and family in Singapore? Is he secretly studying for the priesthood? Was his herpes flaring up? Did he have two bowls of Triple X for lunch at the Chili Parlor that day? That last one would be a fairly easy tell because his face would be covered in sweat and he would too antsy to sit down. Then again, I suppose it is possible that you might have found the one guy in a million who actually has his shit together – and by that I mean someone self-actualized enough to know that jumping into a relationship genitalia first might not offer the best chance for long-term success. Those guys are surely out there, right? If not at the Chili Parlor, then whatever subreddit it is that purple unicorns go to swap wisdom and dating strategies.

With online dating – or really with any dating – there are going to be some unknowns, some variables, if you will, and the only way to solve for those variables is exchange them with actual data. For instance: As mortifying as it may sound, you could tell this fellow you find it hard to believe that the reason he didn’t bone you was because he wanted to get to know you better – and not because he actually wanted to bone you later ... with a fillet knife. Perhaps you could try that on your second date ... in a very public place ... with lots of witnesses. You could also ask him what’s up with his clean apartment? Does he want to be a DJ? Does he own a dog-eared copy of Catcher in the Rye? Would he be willing to provide a list of references? Just remember: If you wait until you get to his apartment to check for Acyclovir in his medicine cabinet, it may be too late.