The Luv Doc: Undecided
Waiting for an answer that may never come.
By The Luv Doc, Fri., July 3, 2020
Dear Luv Doc,
My boyfriend can't make up his mind about anything. If I ask him what he wants for dinner, he doesn't know. If I suggest some movies to watch, he can't decide. Paint color? No idea. New furniture? Forget about it. BUT, when I actually make a decision without him he is suddenly full of opinions. It makes me crazy. On top of all this he says he wants to get married, but he doesn't know when or where, and I know he will be completely useless planning the wedding. He is really a sweet guy, but I can't imagine committing myself to someone who can't commit to anything.
– Undecided on Mr. Undecided
Sounds like to me you hooked up with a project boyfriend. That's not the worst thing in the world unless you hate project management, which is totally legit. Some people hate having to make all the decisions, but there are plenty who actually thrive on it. Rest assured that if you choose to leave your boyfriend, he will surely find someone who is willing to make up his mind for him. For every "decider" like George W. Bush, there is always a Dick Cheney ready to facilitate the decision-making. The world is full of both scrupulous and unscrupulous people itching to take the wheel. I am not entirely sure these people are necessary or even helpful, but I am sure they are in plentiful supply. Just know that your boyfriend will find someone willing to tell him what to wear and how to behave. Who knows? He might even get some tainted punch out of the deal.
Somewhat ironically, you have a decision to make yourself. Do you want to project manage your project boyfriend? That's a tough call, but relationship decisions are always a tough call – at least for anyone with a shred of empathy. It's one thing to admit to yourself that you fucked up and chose the wrong person, but it's an entirely different thing to tell that to the wrong person – even if you buy them a really nice dinner and a bottle of wine. Worse yet, they might not even agree with you and then you have to go through the whole it's-not-you-it's-me speech, which nobody actually believes even when it is 100% true. In the words of songwriting great Neil Sedaka, "Down dooby do down down, breaking up is hard to do." Actually, after reading those lyrics out loud, "songwriting great" may have been a bit of an overstatement.
Should you choose, however, to stick it out, you should understand that people projects are never fully complete. You're never going to get to put on the bomber jacket, stand on the deck of the aircraft carrier and exclaim, "Mission accomplished!" Instead, like billions of optimistic souls who have come before you, you are going to have to learn to take joy in the little victories and solace in the idea that perfection might well be the process of striving for perfection rather than perfection itself. Patience, grasshopper. Start by giving your boyfriend all the time and space he needs to make a decision, but firmly let him know a decision needs to be made. That said, in the legal profession – which I think everyone can agree is beyond moral reproach – they have a saying that goes, "Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to." I'm sure Dick Cheney would agree, but he never looks very happy, does he? Perhaps the key to being truly happy is the ability to remain calm while waiting for an answer that may never come.
