The Luv Doc: A Potential Marriage Relationship

Dear Luv Doc,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. He lives in Houston, where I have some family and friends, but I moved to Austin in January because I prefer Austin. My partner and I have been long-distance before so while he wasn’t keen on the move, he felt we could do it. The idea was that in a year or so, he could move here too. Now he’s telling me that he’s been struggling with the distance and he’s willing to end the relationship because of it. He got so used to us being together at home when he got off of work and during weekends. It doesn’t help that he’s going through a stressful period at work and with his family. I’m at a crossroads. I’m trying to decide if moving for the relationship is worth the trade-off of ending my lease and returning to a concrete jungle. I’m 30 now and letting go of a potential marriage relationship seems like a big deal. Admittedly I am not currently taking advantage of the things I like about Austin (the lake, the parks). But also he’s worried that if I do choose to return to Houston, that I’ll resent him since he wouldn’t be making any sacrifices. What do you suggest?

– Diverge or Converge

Color me a fatalist, but I’m seeing some red flags here. The first one is that your boyfriend wasn’t keen on your move but thought you could do it nonetheless. The second is that he is now struggling with your move and “he’s willing to end the relationship because of it.” The third is that he’s worried that if you return to Houston you will “resent him since he isn’t making any sacrifices.” From an outsider’s perspective it seems like he is practically begging you to break up with him and stay in Austin. This could be a TikTok meme with the caption, “Say you want to break up with someone without actually saying you want to break up with someone.”

I’ll admit, I could be wrong here, but the overall vibe I am getting from your boyfriend is that he isn’t strongly committed to this “potential marriage relationship.” Otherwise you would think he might commit to making the two-and-a-half-hour drive (the Wolf could probably make it in two) from the concrete jungle of downtown Houston every other weekend to soak up some of that “you time” he’s been missing. I will allow that the mileage might vary because some parts of Houston are a day’s drive from others depending on the traffic and intensity of the hurricane, but the same could be said of Austin these days.

Speaking of, Austin is no slouch in the concrete jungle category either, so I am going to assume you’ve landed on some patch of verdure out in Circle C, Steiner Ranch, or some other suburb. If you’re actually in Downtown Austin, you’re only a few minutes from Lady Bird Lake, the hike-and-bike trail, and Zilker Park. You need to get on that shit right now because by June those amenities exist in the same sweltering hellscape as Buffalo Bayou Park – though maybe minus the hot, wet blanket of Gulf Coast humidity and the very real possibility of being eaten by a gator. No self-respecting reptile would spend more than a few minutes in Barton Springs. That water is like Vanilla Ice: Too Cold! Sure, there are plenty lurking on beach towels on the grassy banks, but their predations, though smarmy, are unlikely to result in a grisly death or loss of limbs.

So, minus the grisly gator attack, if we were going to worst-case-scenario this deal, it might go something like the following: You move back to Houston and endure another five or six years of your boyfriend’s noncommittal waffling before you break up out of frustration, or you tell him you are going to stick with the original plan and stay in Austin and he breaks up with you in month or so because you’re not there when he gets home. I know, I know. So much negativity! Think about it this way: At least you know what you want. Do you want to be stuck with somebody who doesn’t – or worse yet, who does, but is too afraid to communicate it? My bet is if he is really committed, he will be willing to accept a compromise that at least gets you through your lease. If not, a 30-year-old woman could do a lot worse than Austin.