The Luv Doc: Exposed Nipples

Dear Luv Doc,

Last weekend during the breathtakingly awesome Janelle Monáe set at ACL, I watched a couple have a tear-filled, overly dramatic argument that lasted almost the entire performance. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but they were distracting me from looking at all the hot guys walking around with their shirts off. So my question is: What is worse? Exposing your bare nipples in public or your bare emotions?

– Couldn't Look Away

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Nobody will argue that a fully expanded warm nipple glistening with a patina of music festival dirt, sweat, and errant, windswept glitter is a magnificent thing to behold. In fact, I would be willing to bet that somewhere in the Smithsonian there is an entire art photography exhibit devoted to the same – unless it's been displaced by an oil painting of Donald Trump playing poker with dogs dressed as vastly more competent ex-presidents.

Unlike our president, a warm, sweaty, glitter-speckled nipple is nothing to be embarrassed about. We're a solid century away from the Victorian era and we're still titillated by exposed nips. How in God's name Queen Vic got her panties in a wad about uncovered areolae is beyond my ken. I will allow that England is a little too chilly for nipples to fully flower, so maybe Vickie was put off by the wrinkles. Up close, a cold nipple has a striking resemblance to a cold scrotum. Even the most liberal aesthete would have to agree that a cold scrotum is closer to a mole rat than a shar-pei on the universal cuteness scale, so point Vickie on that one.

Queen Vic had nine children with her first cousin/sex toy Prince Albert. Nine. That makes a very strong argument for penis piercing as an effective fertility treatment. And really, how could you go wrong with a penis that sprays both ways? If you're a jealous type, you can even put a tiny padlock on it! Adorable! I can't imagine why men aren't lining up for this radically effective procedure! Anyway, it's possible that after nine children Queen Vic never wanted to haul a breast out of her bustier ever again. Her nipples probably looked like an old Kong toy from a pit bull breeder. Can you really blame her for putting the kibosh on exposed flesh?

Regardless, I think we in the Western world have evolved past that kind of nonsense. I don't think allowing women to go topless is going to result in a sharp increase in lascivious ogling/sexual assault. If anything, it might introduce some helpful reality into breast fetishism. Women's nipples and men's nipples are basically the same except that men's nipples are much hairier and useless.

Arguing in public, on the other hand, is both annoying and vulgar. Bad emotions should be kept bottled up like cheap whiskey and then poured out later when it's safe – like in a therapist's office. People get crazy when they're drunk, but they get even crazier when they're jealous, or hurt, or angry. Emotional people cause collateral damage. Exposed nipples? Not so much.