The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend is always trying to freeze me out when she gets mad at me – which is a lot. Sometimes we don't have sex for weeks because she is mad about something or another. Last week it was because I – get this – left the milk out all day. No sex. I was in a hurry to get to work. She even threatens to freeze me out when we are having a conversation and she doesn't like something I say. She'll be all, "That's it, if you don't respect me then you don't get to use me." I'm like, "What? What's that got to do with it?" What do I tell her to get her to stop using sex to play me?

– Frozen

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Well, first things first, you might try pulling your shit together and putting the milk back in the refrigerator where it belongs. Better yet, eat a fucking taco for breakfast like the rest of us. This is Austin, Texas, and there is no acceptable reason for you to need milk for breakfast. You want to give some poor cow sore nipples just so you can soften up your Cap'n Crunch so it doesn't shred the roof of your mouth? Buy a taco, motherfucker.

And don't try and give me some lame excuse like there are no convenient taco places on your way to work. That is complete and utter bullshit. I personally can't think of one gas station/convenience (See? It's right in the name) store in this town that doesn't have a taco trailer in the parking lot. OK, maybe the Tarrytown Texaco, but I don't even know that for sure because every time I try to drive into Tarrytown, some blond lady in a Lexus gives me the stink-eye and a few minutes later I'm getting pulled over for having too much dirt on my license plate.

So maybe there is a taco trailer at the Tarrytown Texaco. For all I know, they have $8 Gruyère and prosciutto tacos with a cilantro-mint remoulade. They're probably fucking delicious even though the Tarrytowners probably complain that the mint is too spicy. Whatever. The point here is that there is a taco truck at nearly every other gas station/convenience store in Austin.

There is even a taco truck at my local mechanic shop that I am pretty sure is owned by an 8-year-old – at least he's the one always working the register – and you know what else? The tacos are pretty decent – especially considering the menu may as well have been put together by an 8-year-old ... who I hope is still getting to school on time after his 1am shift at the taco trailer.

As for your girlfriend, well, just consider her a taco trailer. Wait a minute. That's a horrible analogy. What I'm trying to say is that, as far as sex goes, she gets to have it when she wants, not when you want. End of story. So if, like my mechanic's taco stand, she is only open until 1am on weeknights and is mysteriously closed on school days, Sunday mornings, and whenever Sesame Street Live is in town, that's her prerogative. You have to decide whether you're willing to do what it takes to get her to extend her hours.