The Luv Doc: Every Few Minutes

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been with my GF for three months. When we first started going out, she would text me like every few minutes. Now she sometimes takes hours to respond to my texts. I don't want to be paranoid, but what is she doing all that time? It's driving me crazy! Should I break up with her before she breaks up with me?

– B Boy

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Yes, B Boy, you should absolutely break up with her – the sooner the better. It is clear to me from reading your missive that you are not cut out for relationships. I am sure that somewhere out there is a Fleshlight® that can partially meet your needs. Never again will you have to deal with the maddening uncertainty of not knowing what your girlfriend is doing every few minutes. She will be right there in your desk drawer or your glove box or your backpack just waiting for you to find a janitor's closet or a men's room stall or maybe some dense foliage. Just be careful with the foliage. Deer season is coming up, and while sex toys disguised as common objects are certainly gaining in popularity, there is still going to be some social stigma attached to being buckshot with a fake flashlight on your dong. Think of your family.

I know the preceding scenario sounds really far-fetched, hopelessly sad, and embarrassingly pathetic, but, to paraphrase Hyman Roth from The Godfather Part II, this is the business you've chosen. I know I am flying off the rails a bit here with the metaphor, but here's the gist: You can't have it both ways. You can't bitch about the lack of communication from your girlfriend without having previously communicated to her that it troubles you. Keep in mind here that I am still recommending you break up with her, because your obsession with her minute-by-minute agenda seems, to be really generous, a bit obsessive and neurotic, but if you absolutely insist on trying to maintain a relationship, you must first assess whether or not there is actually a problem – I mean one that exists outside your mind.

Getting outside of your head is tricky because to get there you have to go through your mind, and as we have already established, yours is cluttered up with paranoid delusions. The way to get through those delusions is to get to the truth – or at least as close as you can to it. So, you're going to need to communicate with your girlfriend – and in this case I am going to recommend going old-school ... like actually talking to her. Ideally in person. Maybe buy her some dinner and tell her that her recent lack of communication is making you crazy, but that you're working on being less crazy and part of that work is being honest with yourself and her. I mean, I know that's probably not going to happen, but it sounds nice on paper, and that's not a bad start.