The Luv Doc: Desperate Measures

Dear Luv Doc,

After living with my BF now for nearly a year and a half, it is clear that he doesn't really want a relationship. What he wants is someone who will cook and clean and have sex with him whenever he feels like it. He spends all of his time with his friends playing Skee-Ball and drinking beer. The rest of the time he spends "working late." I saw him more when we weren't living together. He is also a total slob. He never cleans up after himself and the toilet is disgusting. How do I give him back to his old roommates?

– Peachy

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Jesus, Peachy. That sounds horrible – especially the part about the Skee-Ball. It would be one thing if this fellow was doing an actual sport – like bowling or tetherball or Quidditch or something, but Skee-Ball is just a notch up from shuffleboard, and the only good reason to play shuffleboard is if you're too wasted to play darts (is that even possible?) or if you're pushing around a tennis ball walker on a Gray Line cruise ship. Even though Skee-Ball is no shuffleboard, it should only be played in a last-ditch act of desperation – like when you're about to run out of tokens at Dave & Buster's but you still need to win a prize for your nephew.

So the question is, Peachy, what have you done to drive your boyfriend to such desperate measures in his free time? Why wouldn't he want to be at home trying to arc his pee into the toilet while simultaneously brushing his teeth? I don't know, truthfully, so let's just presume for the sake of conjecture that he is a total pee-spraying douchewad with no redeeming qualities. That might make him perfect for someone else, and each second you spend with this ungrateful, inconsiderate asshole is precious time you're stealing from some woman who loves being shit on – ideally metaphorically, but there's no accounting for taste.

After all, you liked this guy enough to move in with him. How bad can he really be? I mean other than the "late working" and the Skee-Balling and the pee arcing? I noticed you didn't mention anything about him burying drifters' bodies in the crawlspace. You certainly dodged a bullet there. In fact, I think before you move in with someone you should know exactly how many people they've killed and where they're buried. You should also have a really good idea of who they are as a person and how they treat other people – even and especially those people closest to them.

I don't want to beat you up about your lack of due diligence. What's done is done, and it sounds like you're ready to kick this dude to the curb. So just do it. Sit him down and tell him you're incompatible – both as roommates and about the Skee-Ball thing, and that you need your space – unless your space is actually his space in which case you'll need to find your own.