Luv Doc: Long-Distance Relationships

Dear Luv Doc,

Should I pursue a long-distance relationship even though I have never been in one that worked? I tend to move a lot. – Abouta Mover

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I would like to tell you to give up, Abouta. I would like to tell you to throw in the towel and concede defeat. That would be the easy way to go, but unfortunately I was raised to believe that even in the face of unrealistic and insurmountable odds, my faith should be unwavering, my resolution unquestioned. Thus, even though the percentage chance that I might become the next Bill Gates or LeBron James is so infinitesimal it won't even fit on a calculator, I, like many of our fellow Americans, believe I still have a shot at being either ... or both.

No matter how bad at math we really are, you and I both know in our hearts that I have a much better chance of being struck by lightning – several hundred times – and then being run over by a riding lawn mower driven by the pope ... while he's wearing a Borat-style banana hammock. Now, I will be the first to admit that I'm mathematically challenged. I'm also not sure whether the pope actually has a riding lawnmower, but you have to think that being the pope, he wouldn't have to use a push mower to tidy up the Vatican lawn.

Instead, he would have one of those bulletproof Popemobile electric lawnmowers (the pope is down with global warming these days). If not, why do they even pass around those collection plates? You think Joel Osteen has a pull-start Briggs & Stratton? Not likely. My guess is that he has a herd of famine-victim toddlers he lets loose on his estate. A few words of faith-inspired encouragement, and I bet the whole place is putting-green tight.

Why? Because Joel Osteen understands that when we get bogged down with facts and statistics and other harsh realities of life, we sometimes fail to see the blessings that have already been bestowed on us. Chief among those blessings are faith and hope. Unlike food, clothing, shelter, and medicine, faith and hope don't cost a dime. For those willing to believe in the impossible, anything is possible, and wouldn't you rather die of starvation believing that you won't die of starvation? I know I would.

Similarly, Abouta, you shouldn't take your hard-earned experience and lack of success with long-distance relationships as a sign that they can never work. Clearly, throughout history, there have been several Bill Gates/LeBron James-style success stories in the long-distance relationship world. I can't think of any off the top of my head, but I'm pretty sure there are. There is, however, one unifying theme in long-distance relationship success stories: The success is usually achieved when the relationship is no longer long-distance.

Therefore, follow your heart. It will eventually lead you to a place where you'll stay.