The Luv Doc: Online Dating for Virgins

Luv Doc,
Is online dating a good idea for a virgin?
– Chastity

The best! To my knowledge, Chastity, no one has ever lost their virginity online. Judging from the several thousand porn sites I have accidentally stumbled across, deflowerment always happens in the real world – usually accompanied by depressing fluorescent lighting and a soundtrack banged out on a Nineties Casio keyboard. Wait a minute … that wasn’t fair. All fluorescent lighting is depressing. No need for the superfluous adjective. Sorry G.E. Step up your fucking game.

The real-world virgins appear to be either in their late teens or mid-30s (in fluorescent lighting even teenagers look like 30-year-olds) and they all seem to have lots of eye shadow and an immediate, unquenchable need for hot, throbbing manhood. Weird, I know, but apparently sometimes virgins walk past a swarthy looking middle-aged guy in gold chains and a velour track suit and they just lose their shit and start humping him like a cat in heat.

I am not making this up. I saw it online. In my personal experience in meatspace I have never had any physical interaction with a nun other than a sharp, painful rap on the knuckles with a ruler. However, the online nuns all seem to be ready in an instant to shed their vestments and show off their corseted 36DDs and 4-inch stilettos – that, and the twerk they were saving for Jesus.

To be completely honest, once Father Bob started asking me about my masturbation schedule in confession I felt it was high time to go out into the world and seek its non-ecumenical pleasures. I haven’t had much truck with people in vestments for the last 30 years other than funerals and weddings. It’s worked out marvelously for me.

Here’s the thing: I've got no beef with Catholics or even online porn sites that fetishize Catholics, or “virgins” with bad eye makeup, or even swarthy middle-aged guys wearing nugget jewelry and velour track suits. It takes a village. It really does. The thing you need to remember is that the online village isn’t real. Just like your virginity, it is a mental construct. Yes, the Internet has shades of reality and is loaded with profound truths, but ultimately it is only a representation of a grittier, genital-warted reality.

So go joyously (but carefully) amidst the Interwebs and before you commit to anyone or anything, demand a safe, cautious meeting (or 10) in the real world, if only because it has much better cheesecake.