The Luv Doc: The Greatest Love of All

Dear Lovedoc (sic),
My roommate is a liar. He says he never masturbates and has never masturbated ever. That’s impossible, right? He’s 22.
- Calling BS

You’re right BS, that’s pretty unbelievable, but not impossible. Is your roommate’s name Justin Bieber by any chance? My bet is that Justin started getting laid shortly after puberty - assuming he’s reached it already. In fact, my guess is that if Justin didn’t want to touch his penis for the rest of his life, he would never have to. He could just designate someone in his entourage “Penis Holder” … although “Package Adjustment Specialist” probably would look better on a résume. Plus, while “Penis Holder” might describe the job well initially, that package adjustment thing would definitely come into play in the later years. When you get to the geezer stage, the plums start hangin’ extra low and, to paraphrase the great Minnesotan poet Bob Dylan, they get all “Tangled Up in Blue.”

Regardless, hypothetically at least, it is possible that your roomie hasn’t taken his submarine out for a pleasure cruise. There are worse things, aren’t there? Where’s the harm in it? I mean other than him potentially being a cyborg from the future sent to annihilate the human race. Please check in on that shit, too, because I still have a few items on my bucket list.

But really, not everyone masturbates. I am pretty sure Jesus didn’t masturbate. If he did, it’s not in the Bible - not even in “Acts.” Then again, Jesus had an entourage just like Bieber. Makes you wonder if Judas was just an underpaid Package Adjustment Specialist. There’s a lesson for the one percenters, eh? Speaking of percenters, according to a recent Playboy survey (get out your iPhones, annoying fact checkers) 3% of men and 24% of women have never masturbated. So, your friend is in pretty rare company, but not impossibly rare. Of course, there is the old joke that goes, “A recent survey showed that 98% of men admit to masturbating. A secondary survey showed that 2% of men are chronic liars.”

Really, there is no shame in not masturbating. If your roomie wants to let sleeping dogs lie, that is his business, but I think the other 97% of us know he’s missing out. After all, as Whitney Houston sang, “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”