The Luv Doc: Inappropriate Gifting

Luv Doc,
My roommate’s boyfriend bought her a kitten for her birthday and now she is saying she has to keep it because it was a gift. I am not sure if he is just a complete dumbass or whether she really wanted a kitten and is just using this as an excuse to get one. I am so pissed. I don’t mind kittens so much, but I don’t like cats. Should I confront her about it? I know I am going to end up feeding and cleaning up after it.
- Unexpected Pussy

Whether you expected it or not, sounds to me like you’re already on the pussy team. There is still hope, however, but you’re going to need to act fast. First, reach around to the middle of your back – just about where your “Pushover” tramp stamp is - and feel around for your spine. If it’s still there (and no one reading this is really expecting it to be), use it to stand up to your roommate and her boyfriend who, yes, is a monumental dumbass. In fact, if you have the money and some Japanese mafia connections, I highly recommend you buy him a polar bear as a token of your esteem. Really, his kind of stupidity deserves recognition … and then it deserves to be snuffed out by a thousand pound, voraciously hungry “house pet.”

If he protests, you can tell him that a polar bear is a much more expensive gift than a kitten. Just the 30-50 pounds of meat a week required to properly feed a polar bear would surely put a dent in all but the most lavish of bank accounts. Ever see a poor person with a pet polar bear? Exactly. If he’s very lucky, a poor person could own a polar bear right up until about lunch time, at which point the polar bear becomes the unclaimed property of his estate … well, once the polar bear takes a big, steaming habeas corpus.

A kitten can be costly too, but it’s unlikely you’ll find the partially digested remains of your roommate in its litter box. This trait (along with a few others) makes a kitten an adorable house pet - right up to the point where it jumps in your lap, lifts its tail, and sticks its anus in your face. This is a sign from the cat that it was “born free” and is ready to be liberated into the wild – no matter how much it scratches hungrily at your door after you toss it out. If I know you, Pussy, you don’t need that kind of drama in your life. Sit down with your roommate and tell her that she should absolutely keep her adorable kitten … at her boyfriend’s house until she is ready to move out of yours.