The Luv Doc: Cat Poo Pom

LuvDoc,
Got married recently and with the wife came a cute Pomeranian dog and a neurotic declawed cat, both indoor pets. At issue is that the pom loves to eat cat poo and is constantly digging out those Baby Ruths from the cat box whenever we’re not around. We live in a pretty small house and we don’t have space to separate the two pets. How do I curb this dog’s insatiable appetite for his furry friend’s No. 2?
Appreciate ya,
Ernesto

So let me get this straight, Ernesto: You are against your new wife’s Pomeranian’s attempt to keep your house free of cat shit? Who is the animal in this scenario Ernesto? This is, of course, assuming the Pom doesn’t poo in the kitty litter himself. Then it would pretty much be a zero sum game. However, if the Pom is dropping his deuces in the neighbor’s sand box – or better yet, if he has for some bizarre reason been toilet trained like a genius Tonight Show circus dog, then what you have is a nonproblem. Unless. Unless your new bride likes to give the Pomeranian doggie kisses. Then you have a real coprophagial complaint. Every time you engage in tonsil hockey with your betrothed you’re essentially swapping cat-shit spit, at least by proxy. I’m just going to say this on behalf of everyone reading this: Ew. It’s one thing for her to overdo the garlic or still have Copenhagen grains in her teeth when you’re kissing, but the knowledge that your wife’s saliva is a conduit for cat poo is nearly impossible to overcome. You can’t Altoids that away. You need at least a toothbrush, a Waterpik, a stomach pump, a pressure washer with a whirligig attachment, and a couple of shots of Everclear to make that mouth right again. I know I don’t even need to say this, but cat shit is disgusting - not to dogs, however. Dogs will eat anything. They’re scavengers. They will literally eat the ass out of a dead elephant. Don’t Google that. Point is, you need to set some boundaries. If it were me, I would find another location for the cat litter box - maybe Pomerania or the Bikini Atoll - something exotic to spice things up. However, it’s my guess as the cat is yours. Therefore, you might have to spice things up differently. Try sprinkling a healthy portion of cayenne pepper on the “Baby Ruths” before you leave the house. Your Pomeranian, whose lineage began in Northern Poland where the indigenous cuisine consists mainly of boiled fish, beets and potatoes, is unlikely to take a liking to spicy poo. If he does, at least your wife won’t like giving him doggie kisses … or at least you’ll know for sure if she does.