The Luv Doc: The Stockholm Syndrome

Dear Doc of Luv,
Due to a recent change in fortune, I'm soon leaving Austin and a job I love to pursue my dream of writing the Great American Novel – or at least, hopefully, a pretty decent one that doesn't get pulped within a year. Anyway, in spite of weekly deadline stress at my job, inevitable weight gain from innumerable breakfast tacos and beers during thrice-weekly post-work volleyball games, and all manner of snarking, pranking, and metaphorical bra-strap snapping at the hands of my co-workers, I've come to realize that I truly love these jags and will miss them horribly. How can I stay in touch? Facebook seems too impersonal.
Thanks,
Sarah S.

Bra-strap snapping, metaphorical or not, constitutes sexual harassment and creates a hostile work environment – more hostile in fact, than being force-fed breakfast tacos or coerced and intimidated into playing the most un-American of truly American sports: Volleyball. Seriously, it’s like a crowded game of badminton with a huge, unfeathered cock. Therefore, I recommend you employ legal counsel immediately. Here’s my short list: Racehorse Haynes (bona fide war hero with a badass nickname), Joe Jamail (Billionaire and notorious pit bull litigator), and Dick DeGuerin (kept Billy Joe Shaver from going to prison after he shot a man in the face). Yes, you read that right: Shot a man in the face. Billy Joe got off scot-free, but you probably won’t. Like any Stockholm Syndrome sufferer, you have formed a bond of affection with your captors – one that may take years of therapy to unravel. Therapy, regardless of how ridiculous it might seem, costs a lot of money. Therefore, make sure you go for the throat with the lawsuit. Keep in mind these jags – and I’m betting you’re being kind with that assessment – have kept you from pursuing your dream. Although let’s be honest here: Novels are a bit of an anachronism – sort of like phonographic records or pornographic DVDs. In spite of that adversity, you’ve set the bar high by choosing a career that people no longer care about – well, at least beyond 140 characters. Bully for you, Sarah. Quixote didn’t let reality deter him from his pursuit of jousting, did he? Before you go stabbing windmills, though, you need to put your hands on enough cash to be able to pay an affable, dim-witted peasant to humor you in your folly when no one else will. Otherwise, you’re going to have to rely on friends to do that for you, and that’s risky business. Like stray kittens, friends are always meowing at your screen door, begging for attention. That’s why I am going to suggest you keep them at a safe distance on Facebook, just like your co-workers. Better yet, if you don’t want to interact with your friends at all, try Google+!