The Luv Doc: The Jaw-Dropping Hammer of Thor

Dear Luv Doc, A few nights ago, I had a dream that I was getting coffee at Spider House, and when I reached for my wallet, I wasn’t wearing pants or underwear. Nobody seemed to notice. What does that mean? - Commando

Maybe it means you were wearing a kilt or a miniskirt, neither of which are particularly uncommon at Spider House. If, on the other hand, you were wearing camo coveralls, a Ducks Unlimited cap, and a pair of Wolverines, then you might raise a few eyebrows. Folks at Spider House are reasonably open-minded, but there are limits. As far as your dream, however, there are a couple of things going on. First, you are apparently buck naked from the waist down. Traditional dream interpretation would suggest that missing such an important article of clothing indicates a fear of being unprepared. You may actually be an ex-Boy Scout, but let’s not rule out the possibility that you have a subconscious desire to expose yourself to apathetic people – or at the very least, disaffected, jaded hipsters who have witnessed everything from Saran Wrap-smashed lesbian breasts and black hole spandex camel toe to the sun-wizened glutes of a cross-dressing homeless man in a leopard-print thong (snap into a Slim Jim!). Don’t take this as criticism, but as far as dreams go, you’re not really stretching yourself much creatively. Why not an adult Bible-study group at Riverbend or contestants in a toddler beauty pageant? Just saying – your plot could use a little punching up. Work on that. In the meantime, consider the possibility that you subconsciously need reassurance that your fun stick, while perhaps not the jaw-dropping hammer of Thor, is nonetheless adequate enough that it doesn’t inspire open mockery and derision. Don’t get smug, Commando. That’s just one possibility. The other factor in your dream is that your wallet is missing. Most dream interpreters would say losing your wallet indicates a need to be cautious about your finances or that you are losing touch with your true identity. Identity loss is some heavy shit, but I wouldn’t dwell on that too much. Losing your wallet might simply mean that you’re broke. No shame in that game. There are plenty of broke dudes with uninspiringly adequate packages – many of whom are reasonably well-known musicians – and they seem to do just fine. Not everyone in the world is a gold digger or a size queen. In fact, just like in your dream, most people are completely uninterested in your situation, regardless of how you stress about it. Let that knowledge be your strength, Commando. You probably have nothing to worry about – at least not in your dreams.