The Hightower Report

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THE LEGISLATIVE SILLY SEASON

It's always a joy to see arch-conservative politicians preach about the evils of "Big Government" … then turn right around and try to shove ever-more-intrusive government down our throats.

The Bushites are expert at this hypocrisy, but you can find plenty of cases right here in Austin – the Texas Legislature is a hothouse for sprouting hypocritical conservatives who want to use the full power of government to enforce their own peculiar agendas.

Take Rep. Vicki Truitt, a Dallas-area Republican who is pushing a bill to deal with this critical problem: Weathercasters on TV and radio who call themselves "meteorologists" – when, in fact, they do not have four-year B.S. degrees in meteorology!

Luckily, Truitt intends to protect us by making it a crime to use the meteorologist title without having that B.S. degree. Never mind that most weather people in the media don't have meteorology degrees – or need them – Truitt insists that this is a crucial matter of public safety. A non-B.S. forecaster, she says, might make a mistake and imperil lives – though she cannot name a single instance of this actually having happened.

Not to be outdone, Rep. Bryan Hughes is another so-called conservative who wants the state to step forcefully into a legal void: It seems that Texas has no law banning nude youth camps! It's also true, however, that Texas has no nude youth camps.

Nonetheless, Hughes is so uptight about the mere possibility that some nudist camp somewhere might someday allow whole families – including their children – to walk around unclothed in the privacy of the camp that he wants the Great State of Texas to throw up a pre-emptive ban. He rants that such camps are "magnets for pedophiles." Really? How does he know that? He cites no actual cases … but still, he says government must intrude.

These politicos aren't conservatives … they're wackos!

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WHO'RE REALLY THE STEROID ABUSERS?

Time for another report from the "Wide, Wide, Wide, Wild World of Sports."

Today's feature: those bad boys of sports who are juiced up on steroids. Oh, the shame, cry editorialists and moralists, shrieking that the pro athletes who goose up their bodies with illicit anabolic steroids to enhance their power and performance are rank scoundrels who should be banned from the hallowed games of baseball, football, or whatever. Even George W. tried to ride the wave of moral indignation by calling for users to be punished.

The latest jolt of outrage comes with the publication of a tell-all book written by Jose Canseco, a former baseball star who admits to being "pumped on 'roids'" – and who asserts that 80% of big leaguers also are. The sports establishment, of course, is attacking him like a pack of mad dogs.

Whether Canseco's confessional is true or an exaggeration – why would we be surprised, much less outraged, that ballplayers would go to extremes to make themselves play better? That same sports establishment constantly preaches to athletes (from grade school right on through their pro years) that winning is everything, that second place is just another term for "loser," that you have to give it your all, and must be willing to "sacrifice" your body.

Athletes are richly rewarded for finding an "edge," doing what is necessary to get an advantage in order to "win, baby, win!" Team owners profit by having muscle-bound hunks who can pound home runs or run over opponents, and the entire locker room ethic is to use pills, machines, potions, voodoo, or whatever – just produce.

Notice also that these same owners don't give a damn about the players they've used up and cast aside to spend the rest of their shortened life spans suffering chronic pain, memory loss, and other nasty debilitations. The system can't use these people, then feign outrage that they reached too far to excel.