News Ticker: September 16

Paula Deen butters up a crowd, Julián Castro attracts the media, and T. Boone Pickens makes it rain. Modesty is on the News Ticker.

• Paula Deen, a cautionary tale about the dangers of leaving the colorant out of margarine, seemed a little scattered during her Houston return to the public stage.

• In case you are thinking of naming your Kay Bailey Hutchison-themed dominatrix business "Don't Mess With Texas," The New York Times would strongly advise that you don't.

• According to the Texas Department of Public Safety, Texans over 50 lead the pack of those getting new concealed handgun permits.

• San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro and V.P. Joe Biden performed in a regional Iowa production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers over the weekend. The reviews were mixed.

• No, Tom Pauken is not a metaphorical figure conjured in the recurring dream you always have after eating Penne Arrabbiata.

• Although there is some indication that Sen. Wendy Davis will declare her gubernatorial intentions as early as this week, there is no indication that we'll have a break from the "will she or won't she" articles. For the love of God, Wendy, please make them stop.

• The Koch Brothers, an experimental doo-wop group who favor pompous blubbering over traditional harmonies, are helping Atty. Gen. Greg Abbott galavant across Texas.

• Speaking of Abbott, Peggy Fikac is disappointed that he isn't doing a better job of hiding his extremism. Maybe a puppy will make him look softer.

• We guess interpreting the latest internal poll numbers comparing Sen. Dan Patrick and Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst as a "two-man race" is apt. If the race in question involves a potato sack. And Dan Patrick is the rotting spud left on the sidelines.

• Now that TXDoT has succeeded in declaring Playboy Marfa illegal, they have their sights on Prada Marfa. They would go after Warhol's Campbell Soup cans too, but they don't technically have jurisdiction in Pittsburgh.

• Remember that time you casually mentioned on Twitter that you were nervous about your promotion because you didn't want your coworkers to be resentful? Let T. Boone Pickens show you how to really pull off a humblebrag.

.@darrenrovell Don't worry. At $950 million, I'm doing fine. Funny, my $1 billion charitable giving exceeds my net worth. @Forbes @RMac18

— T. Boone Pickens (@boonepickens) September 16, 2013

• London's Victoria and Albert Museum has purchased the prototype to U.T. student Cody Wilson's 3D printed gun. Presumably they plan to use it on 90s enfant terrible Damien Hirst. Once you let him in, there is really no other way to get rid of him.

• Certain driver license offices will now be open on Saturday to provide Election Identification Certificates.