Invisi-Bell Halloween Mask Instructions

Illustration By Robert Faires

1) Retrieve the stockpile of duct tape from under your bed that you bought in 2003 to protect your home against terrorist attacks. Wrap it around your face, head, and neck, leaving little beady spaces for your eyes and a little ventilation for breathing purposes only. Tell your friends you're running for governor. Make sure to repeat yourself often, in case they don't hear you.

2) Call a press conference, and announce that you are running for governor. As a Democrat. The silence is deafening, isn't it?

3) Without warning, announce that you're switching parties. Whoops! That's the Bride of Frankenstein talking, not you. Say nasty things about the Bride and Wolfman Rick. Tell people that Kinky Friedman is battier than Dracula in a cowboy hat. Spend your days wondering why Kinky gets so much media attention without having to pay for it.

4) Ask your Democratic leaders for help. Don't get discouraged when they give you candy corn instead. Just be grateful you have something to eat, when so many children in Texas go to bed hungry.

5) Ask millionaire Houston lawyer John O'Quinn for money. Sure, he's turned you down before, but what have you got to lose? Give him a few minutes to remember who you are. Be prepared to negotiate – or beg. O'Quinn suggests losing the mask. You resist at first, telling him you prefer quiet but effective congressional anonymity. He dangles a $1 million check under your nose and, with his other hand, yanks off a piece of duct tape. Ouch!

6) Tell O'Quinn you've seen the light and smelled the money. Grab hold of one end of the tape, and let 'er rip!