For the first time in 81 days, Austin FC won a soccer match Wednesday night, finally and mercifully putting an end to a winless streak that predated the “Barbenheimer” phenomenon.

If Austin FC wasn’t a soccer team and instead transformed into a mid-2000’s pop-punk band, it would be All Time Low.

Pushing 1:30am on Monday morning following a three-hour weather delay, Austin FC’s clash against the LA Galaxy produced an epic finish well worth the wait… for the dozens of visiting Angelenos still in attendance, that is.

Austin FC was fortunate to eke out a 1-1 draw against the New York Red Bulls Wednesday night, escaping New Jersey with a measly point that every statistical measure would suggest it did not deserve.

Over the weekend, Austin FC collected a hideous club milestone that it had thus far managed to avoid, even during the worst stretch of its grim first season in 2021: two full calendar months without a single win.

For the third time in the span of a week, a soccer match involving Austin FC ended with a dramatic, 90th minute goal that flipped the result of the match on its head. Only this time, it was the Verde and Black on the right side of it.

Austin FC took another sucker punch to the gut Wednesday night, falling at home to the Seattle Sounders thanks to a 90th minute Albert Rusnák strike that broke a 1-1 tie. It was the second time in four nights that the Verde and Black saw a point cruelly stolen away in the dying minutes, after FC Dallas broke a 0-0 deadlock in the 97th minute on Saturday.

Three days after its latest embarrassing, demoralizing loss and elimination from the 2023 Leagues Cup, Austin FC decided to cheer everybody up … by trading away the most beloved player on the roster.

After suffering a second consecutive 3-1 defeat at home, Austin FC is officially out of the Leagues Cup, exiting as one of just 15 clubs (out of 47) to fail to advance to the knockout stage.