Stockman's Latest Stunt

Rep. Steve Stockman may not be the most effective legislator, but he knows how to get attention. Last night, he created a minor foofaraw by sauntering out of President Obama’s State of the Union address. When no one sane will let you deliver the official GOP response, one has to resort to theatrics. It hardly seemed like a spur-of-the-moment protest.

By morning, Stockman was prepared with a statement. “Tonight I left early after hearing how the President is further abusing his Constitutional powers. I could not bear to watch as he continued to cross the clearly-defined boundaries of the Constitutional separation of powers,” Stockman told the Dallas Morning News, “Needless to say, I am deeply disappointed in the tone and content of tonight’s address.”

Us too – not because we share his Tea Party unctuousness, but because as Stockman shenanigans go, his early dismissal was a bit boring. This was the congressman who last year invited rocker-cum-sideshow Ted Nugent as his SOTU guest. This was the same merry prankster who printed bumper stickers extolling the virtues of arming babies. Where were the fireworks? The whole thing felt more like Legally Blonde 2 than Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Since we couldn’t help but thinking what could have been, we put together a handy list of what he could have done to make even more headlines. Granted, some require logistics, but his campaign to nab Sen. John Cornyn’s seat could use a boost. And besides, without Texas politics as a comparison point, the rest of the nation will have to wipe that smug look off their face. Louie Gohmert can’t be expected to do all the heavy lifting alone.

• Stockman shaves his head before the big address. When the CSPAN cameras pan to his seat, he slowly rips up a photo of Hillary Clinton, saying “fight the real enemy.”

•Stockman orders 100 anchovy pizzas to be delivered to the Oval Office. When the CSPAN cameras pan to his seat, he shrugs his shoulders, saying “ain’t I a stinker.”

• Stockman hires the now out of work models from TV game show Deal or No Deal. When the CSPAN cameras pan to his seat, the models open up briefcases, revealing the word “Benghazi.”

• After Obama first mentions the LGBT community, Stockman welcomes in 34 caucasian, straight couples and marries them on the spot. Victoria Jackson (dressed as Colonel Sanders) pushes him out of the way to sing “Blurred Lines.”

• Stockman spends most of the speech embroidering a commemorative pillow. After tightening the final stitch, he walks up to the aisle and takes a good nap.

• Stockman dresses in drag and waits in the wings for Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers to begin delivering her official GOP response. As soon as she says the word “woman,” Stockman shoves her aside and begins reading Obama to filth.

• Stockman hires a stunt driver to drive the General Lee around the House chambers. When the CSPAN cameras pan to his seat, he mutters “miserable numbnoggin.”

• Stockman sits in his seat quietly listening to Obama’s points, making mental notes of where he can find common ground. When the CSPAN cameras pan to his seat, he is seen jotting down a few notes.

Now that would really get 'em talking. Steve, our democracy hangs in the balance.