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News Ticker: August 2

All the news that's fit to blog

By Brandon Watson, 4:15PM, Fri. Aug. 2, 2013

News Ticker: August 2

Quita Culpepper gets stuck in a loop, Dan Branch violates his terms of service, and Greg Abbott makes some spurious claims. Poppycock is on the News Ticker.

• The Obama Administration has reversed course and will now be offering federal aid to victims of the West Fertilizer blast. Gov. Rick Perry is taking most of the credit, but we'd lie too to get free kolaches.

• Angered by Sen. Wendy Davis's filibuster and Rep. Sarah Davis's abortion bill opposition, the Texas GOP will no longer be associating with any "Davis." The directive was bad news to Perry, who now will have to be content to know only two things about Eve.

• Half-baked turkey dinner Rep. Dan Branch says his support for "traditional marriage" caused his campaign video to be removed from Facebook. Our theory is that Facebook briefly confused the video with the one from The Ring and just didn't want to mop up all that water again.

• From Sen. Ken Paxton's stump speech machismo to Jerry Patterson's tribute to Larry Clark, it's not clear that any of the attorney general candidates realize that having the title "general" does not instantly make one G.I. Joe

• Although Atty. Gen. Greg Abbott is raking in the dough from his paralysis lawsuit, he supports caps on similar lawsuits. Luckily, he was kind enough to share a video defending his position.

• While musical theater does take up the bulk of his time, Abbott is always eager to try new hobbies. Lately, he has taken up writing Obama fan fiction.

• House Speaker Joe Straus and Rep. Allan Ritter have banded together to form a water PAC. We think that is like when the Wonder Twins bump fists, but they seem to only be able to transform to wet blankets.

Todd Starnes, the alter ego Chucky assumed after agreeing to testify against Jennifer Tilley, is trying to stoke outrage about San Antonio's anti-discrimination proposal.

Quality Seafood recently catered a meeting between Agriculture Commissioner Todd Staples and a delegation from Russia. Let's hope for everyone's sake that they didn't serve rainbow trout.

• If the ongoing Dell Inc. saga were a soap opera, the music would swell, the leads would slowly lean in for a kiss, and then the station would cut away to a live demonstration of QuickBooks.

• KVUE's Quita Culpepper is apparently under the spell of a very powerful witch.

• The proposals for the renovation of the Seaholm Intake Facility are all good news for Austinites who love kayaking. Unfortunately, fans of the lesser known sport of dolphin surfing will again be left in the cold.

Cyclospora was briefly trending this morning in Austin, until everyone realized that it wasn't a new exercise fad, but in fact something else that makes you vomit.

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