May All Your PanTzs Come True!

by lifeizpanTz.com

When Messer handed me a clear plastic envelope containing a PR kit and a tiny piece of colorful be-stripe-d cloth I thought she was joking. The brand name of the product under my review was clearly labelled PanTz.

I'm sure you can appreciate the difficult position this assignment placed me in.

The Z for S substitute should only used by 14 year-old girls and Austin performance-artist Ben Aqua (the man behind ASSACRE and MUSCLZ) as far as I'm concerned.

PanTz prompts a pronunciation question (no answers are provided in the PR packet – just dozens and dozens of photos of male models enjoying a pair of PanTz). Is it pronounced like "Pants"? or is it "Panties" due to the capitalized T? My favorite and preferred pronunciation: "Pantazie"! It sounds so magical!

The product itself looks like knitwear (but it's knot– zing!) and could substitute as a skimpier version of the outfits that art rock band Forcefield made. The PanTz themselves are comprised of two tiny strips of cloth conjoined in an area that could only be described as a "taint patch." Yes, it's classy with a "K." Like Andy with an "I." Like Pants with a "Z."

They're one-size-fits-all, that is if you're a 33" waist or below, which I'm barely cracking these days, and they leave little, (cough cough) nothing, to the imagination.

Pick yourself up a pair for 25 British pounds. Uh huh, these tweeny weeny peeny briefs are about $50.

Still, they're hot.

My rating: 3 out of 5 banana hammocks.

I'm going to gay hell.