Awkward but Endearing Observations of 'Chronicle' Life Seen Through a Gay Filter

Compiled by Kate X Messer with Nathan Brown, Brian Carr, James Renovitch, and Amy Smith

Alternative newsweeklies, despite the name, are tragically underrepresented in the alternative cultures department. While life at the Chronicle is certainly comfortable and supportive, the paper's gay employee block has never reached even the percentage (10%) supposedly repping LGBTQ makeup in the general populace. Now, mind you, beyond literal labels of sexual preference and self-identity, there are very, very queer and queer-savvy people in the Chronicle's ranks. It's not like any other workplace we know. But of course, there are those days when even the rainbow filter can't soften a head-scratcher or forehead-slapper. These following tidbits were gathered from an informal poll of the Chronicle's current queer roster.

Side note: We are queering the use of the term "gay" in this piece, and any use of said term or implication of "gayness" herein is uttered with the utmost respect and dignity. A badge of honor, if you will.

1) That party where all the straight women played "let's make out with the lesbian," and some of the boyfriends/husbands got really, really mad

2) Having an awkward and titillating discussion about hands and forearms with a very hot advertising rep, who then realized she was talking about what a lesbian uses to, ummmm, give pleasure

3) Being asked "How will the gay community react to this ad (slogan, headline, etc.)?"

4) Louis Black absolutely adores lesbians. We can't explain it. He just does.

5) The (mostly) straight-girl alliance of Pride Socks (www.pridesocks.com) buyers/wearers who gleefully spooned with each other for a Pride Socks photo shoot for our "Best of Austin" issue.

6) Fighting with straight female proofreaders for the affection of the new male intern (who turned out to be straight), or being asked if you want to be set up with the other gay staff member – awkward!

7) Free Chrondoms any time you need them

8) Very generous and gracious $upport for any staff members participating in the annual AIDS Walk, yet an utter lack of representation of Chronicle staff (other than the gay ones) at Austin's annual Pride Fest or Parade (Logan, Anne, and Cindy W. being the gracious exceptions)

9) Straight staff member: What is the difference between Pride and QueerBomb?

Queer staff member: Read the Chronicle!

10) Raoul's adorable, obsessive fascination with France, among other things

11) Louis and Nick's odd marital dynamic that sometimes makes the staff feel like it's in an episode of My Two [Gay] Dads

12) That one time marketing donated 300 promotional Mr. Woodcock rulers for aGLIFF to put in its swag bags and aGLIFF threw them away

13) Intense Will & Grace-like office-and-beyond relationships (Brian & Jessica, James & Kimberley, Clay & Sarah, etc.)

14) Richard Whittaker's kilt (manly yes, but guys like it, too)

15) Being asked if using the Q-word is like using the N-word

16) The wistful and often publicly aired "Is he or isn't he?" conundrum even after preferences have been revealed

17) IT dude Fred's dead-on Elvira Halloween costume and ensuing glam-bonding lunch junkets to Coco Coquette for drag consultations

18) Straight-guy fanboys geeking out with each other about certain musicians (Alejandroooooooo, yoo-hoo!) and directors and comic books ... superheroes ... sci-fi ... theatre ...

19) Wayne Alan Brenner's Second Life avatar Memory Harker – probably the most clinical example on this list

20) The number of times wet, dripping, usually old men (and one hot lesbian) have appeared on our covers

21) Straight dudes in a work meeting freaking out because the largest word in our new tag cloud was "gay"

22) The one-man factory of gay (may he rest in peace), the inimitable Don Palmer

The wit and wisdom of Classified Sales rep Brian Carr:

23) "My mom told me if I ever got a tattoo I wouldn't be allowed in her home. So I became gay instead. ... It's permanent, too."

24) Ad rep: "I can't pronounce 'Manolo Blahniks' correctly."

BC: "That's okay, you just need to know how to pronounce 'Payless.'"

25) "Coming out is like getting a perm; there are lots of steps involved before you can take the curlers out."

26) Ad rep: "What's the weirdest thing you've put up your ass?"

BC: "You want his name?"

27) "I eats fudges but I don't hold grudges."

28) "You just asked two questions. That makes you bi-curious."

29) "I'm going to rush out the door at 5 so I can plan my wedding, too. Oh, wait. I can't get married!"

30) Ad rep: "Have you ever been to Blue Hole?"

BC: "Not that I recall. Does he go by any other name?"

More of Brian Carr's wit and wisdom may be found in "30 Overheard Quips."