1) Selfish, insincere male, 27, seeks emasculating older woman for friendship, possible marriage. Sense of humor a must. (September 4, 1981)

2) Attractive young woman, well-endowed and wealthy is not particularly interested in anything at all. (May 28, 1982)

3) Favorite Acid Story #17: We came out of the movie (Fantasia, of course) one night and it was rainin' and we couldn't find the damn car anywhere. We sat on the curb until it was the only car in the lot -- then we found it. We ran for it but just as Jimmy got there lightning hit it. Really! We heard this pop and a little puff of smoke rose from the top of the van. We snuck up on it and poked it with a stick and nothing happened but Jimmy just shook his head and walked home. (July 23, 1982)

4) Opinionated? I'll come to your home and agree with you if you feed me. Erudite & vacillating; small appetite; no body odor; non-smoker. (September 2, 1983)

5) Hideous? Proud? Five such wanted for woodblock portrait series. Will consider merely ugly. Natal or artificial. One print of fifteen for your trouble, no cash. (June 29, 1984)

6) How To Impress Women (Tips From A Pro): Wear your best mod polyester pantsuit. Use gallons of Old Spice After Shave. Stare lewdly at their female body parts. Discuss previous girlfriends -- in gory detail. Tell them if you were a boy, you'd be just like Rambo. Happy Trails! (September 20, 1985)

7) Young, slender android desires lecherous love teacher for futuristic sex and homo cooked meals, weekends. Must walk on two legs, speak with one tongue, possess Amazonian endurance, have appropriately equipped bed, shower. No cowgirls, pseudos, wimps, fluggs, journalists. If all goes well, will pose for comic strip. (November 15, 1985)

8) Republican Cross-Dressers Poker Club accepting new membership applications. No liberals please. Proper eye makeup and good taste in earrings essential. Amateurs and beards welcome. Females who can do multiples are cordially invited to inquire. (December 13, 1985)

9) Subterranean humanoid monster surfaces to abduct brilliant beautiful females to assist in global domination and profound, meaningless one night stands in eternity. (April 11, 1986)

10) Attractive intellectual, outgoing but not strong in confidence around women, seeks sister/friend to encourage and help me do it right. Help me choose the right clothes for me, discuss my behavior with women, listen and care about my fears of rejection. Watch me grow and learn to love. (November 18, 1988).

11) Man-hater seeking man to hate. (December 21, 1990)

12) Spank this undisciplined young man. Not after sex or relationship. Just spank me. (September 25, 1992)

13) Bert and Ernie seek compatible muppets who love to laugh, dance, and tag-team wrestle. (June 24, 1994)

14) Wanted: Man, period. End of story. (October 13, 1995)

15) Ragtime motorcyclist seeks slender female with an interest in the origin of consciousness and tap dancing iguanas. Home planet unimportant. (December 15, 1995)

16) Seeking Wednesday Adams who follows Dot Warner's political philosophy, washes occasionally, enjoys red wine, eating in bed, interests vary from Bartok to bong water, sought by bearded longhair. (April 25, 1997)

17) Seeking doomed relationship with femme fatale vixen. It was never meant to last. Let's have fun going down in flames. (July 23, 1999)

18) Suave Gap Sales Associate seeks cross-dressing student for skinny dipping, viewing porn and self-loathing. Must be moody, enjoy enemas and be tolerant of fraud. Korean language a plus. (April 28, 2000)

19) Pagan lady, 40 with small zoo. Wants Pagan or Native American shaman that loves animals. Must have good physical body. Imagination and spontaneity a must. Coffee allows my animals. (October 20, 2000)

20) Female slaves wanted: I am a slave trainer, trained in bondage, discipline, humiliation, desecration. Any females that wish to know about this or participate, give me a call. (February 23, 2001)

21) Anyone interested in starting a club for those of us who have no life? LOL. Meet twice a month for food or whatever. (April 12, 2002)

22) You: Holding the rat terrier in the line for sausage wraps at the park. I offered my sausage and you ran. I knew it was love. I yearn for you. (April 11, 2003)

23) Me: Fat balding man in late 40s holding Slurpi. You: Hot college female, well endowed. Did we share a moment? (July 9, 2004)

24) I loved Austin when it wasn't a city of whores. (July 23, 2004)

25) Billy, come get your BJ. Just playing. Unless you're serious. (October 10, 2004)

26) Got kids? Want some? Artsy boy next door type seeks 30's-40's career woman. Me: cook, clean, watch the kids. You: bring home the bacon. No, seriously, I really like bacon. Women who hate orgasms need not apply. (November 4, 2005).

27) Physicists Can Love: You got me in the sack still wearing ice skates, then we drank Earl Grey together the next morning. Was this the beginning of something? Next time let's exchange names. (November 25, 2005)
 
28) $5.89 Lunch Date: You: slobbing a Crunchwrap Supreme at Taco Bell, plenty of hot sauce. I told you about my burrito blog and you promised to sign my guest book. Did you forget my URL? (December 16, 2005)

29) Time Travel: My time machine is finally fully operational. Going back to 1922 to warn President Harding about Teapot Dome scandal (+ brief stop in 1963). Not returning this time. Will hand deliver any messages forwarded to me. (March 31, 2006)

30) Rabid Squirrel Commando: I am an idiot. BUT I LOVE THE GOLDFISHES CUZ THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS!!! (June 12, 2009)