Help Desk

:( Help!

Is it possible to be friends with someone you met online-dating? I'm in a relationship now, but I spent a while on Tinder last year. I still sometimes get texts from a guy I went on one date with back then. He says he wants to be friends, and he seems annoyed that I won't give him the time of day. I actually found him smart and interesting and wouldn't mind having another friend in town. Is there a right way to take him up on his offer of friendship without leading him on?

– Feeling Ready to Initiate New Dialogue, Decline Advances, and Temper Expectations

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We won't trot out the old saw that "[straight] men can't be friends with [straight] women," FRIENDDATE. There are many kinds of friendships, and all things are possible. Maybe this misfire of a Tinder match who is still blowing up your phone six months later will someday turn into a trusted platonic confidant and partner-in-crime. Maybe.

More likely, however, he'll turn out to be what you were looking for when you first swiped him right: another romantic prospect. His guilt-tripping about the ignored texts suggests as much. Not that there's anything wrong with that. People in relationships are allowed to have "friends" they're attracted to, and friends who are attracted to them. There's no red line between a friend and a romantic possibility, nor should there be. Human beings are more fluid than that. You have our permission to make friends with this guy, and you should have your boyfriend's trust as well.

That's your side of the equation. It's a win-win – Tinder Guy is smart, interesting, and attracted to you. Who wouldn't love that kind of attention? For him, however, a "just friends" relationship with a woman who chose another guy over him may not prove ultimately satisfying. This is where friendships forged through online dating run into special complications.

Real-life friends can leave the question of "would we or wouldn't we?" unresolved – and, eventually, buried under much more meaningful mutual concerns – in a way that preserves the egos of everyone involved. In a meat market like Tinder, those questions tend to get addressed immediately. That could be a good thing (yay, directness!), but more often than not it cements a fundamental asymmetry where a rejected suitor hangs around looking for another shot and the rejecter keeps him or her around as a backup source of attention. Watch out for that dynamic, FRIENDDATE – not because you owe Tinder Guy anything, but because it means the friendship is likely to blow up eventually.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with using dating apps to go fishing for platonic friends, and you'll likely haul in at least an ego boost or two. But if lasting friendships are your aim, you may have more success with an app like Meetup, which connects you with other people who like similar activities. There, if you're lucky, you might find a new pal who can enjoy hanging out with both you and your boyfriend. :) HD