Help Desk

:( Help!

Could you settle a disagreement I've been having with my live-in partner, "Charles"? For years, we've split all our expenses, from rent to groceries to nights out. I've always been fine with that, until two months ago, when Charles downloaded Venmo.

Instead of our old, informal system where I paid one bill and he paid the next, now he picks up every check and immediately bills me for half, rounded to the nearest cent. My friends' Venmo feeds are overflowing with news that I've paid Charles back for half an ice cream cone, half a cab ride, half an anniversary dinner, etc.

He argues there's nothing more romantic than an absolutely equal partnership. I find his constant billings infuriatingly petty. Who's being irrational? – Charles 'n' Charged

We must say, you've painted an awfully unflattering picture of Charles. In particular, the bit about the anniversary dinner strikes us as poor Venmo (and relationship) etiquette. Why not at least occasionally pretend to foot the bill himself out of romantic gallantry? That's the benefit of an informal system of expense sharing, which you obviously prefer, Charged.

On the other hand, as Charles has no doubt pointed out to you, Venmo has a different benefit: accuracy. For the uninitiated, Venmo is an app that allows friends and family to bill each other and pay up directly from their checking accounts. The biggest selling point is the absence of fees, but there's also a social media twist – some billings are public and can be commented on. (Why anyone would want to use this feature is beyond us.)

To properly settle this argument, we have to ask you, Charged: Is there a chance that you got away with paying less before Charles downloaded the app? Could that fact be contributing to your annoyance, and to his persistence in Venmoing even after you've complained? If your answer is yes, then this is not about the app. You and Charles are having a financial dispute. That's normal – all couples have them.

Think of it this way. Your Venmo issue is a microcosm of what all long-term couples face as they negotiate sharing their lives with each other. Sharing is really two things at once – a gift you both give each other, and a fair split of expenses, sacrifices, chores, hard work, et cetera. The trick is to not get so focused on negotiating the split that you lose the ability to make gifts of yourselves and all the wonderful things you have to offer.

Our advice to Charles is to lighten up, and in some contexts – especially date nights and thoughtful gestures – to lay off the Venmo. But just as important, our advice to you, Charged, is to give Charles what he needs to lighten up. In other words, let him know through sincere words and actions that you're committed to making things equitable in your relationship and that he can be confident he'll get back what he puts in, with or without the app. :) HD