The Hightower Report

In a stunning development, President Barack Obama has had to cancel today's scheduled trip to Capitol Hill, where he intended to make nice with Republican lawmakers.

He had planned to drive an ice cream truck to the Capitol and personally serve free ice cream cones to every GOP member, scooping out double dips of each one's favorite flavor – with sprinkles on top!

However, in yet another rebuke to the person some members call "the illegitimate, Kenyan-born, Muslim, socialist president," the entire Republican caucus pledged that they would neither consider nor vote on eating his cones, dubbing them "ObamaCream." Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell sourly declared: "Even though I love Nutty Buddy ice cream, I will not accept anything that Barack Hussein Obama sends to Congress."

Adding to the tension, Sen. Ted Cruz began a filibuster to shut down the entire government, noting that nowhere in our God-ordained Constitution is the executive branch empowered to hand out ice cream cones. "This is another Obama abomination," Cruz babbled, "and I will stand here like a rock until hell freezes over and the ice cream melts." He added heroically: "If not me, who?"

The Koch brothers chimed in that Obama's congressional ice cream scheme is a classic socialist ploy to legitimize government handouts of sweets to everyone as an opium for the masses, inducing them to keep voting for Democrats. And Rep. Trey Gowdy piled on, claiming that the sweet-treats-for-Congress idea might have been sent to Obama in a top-secret email from Hillary Clinton's personal email account. Gowdy demanded that she appear before his congressional committee and admit that her ice cream email was part of the cover-up of her Benghazi scandal.

It was just another day of Republicans at play, pretending to be a Congress.