The Hightower Report

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PRISSY POLITICOS

We know what average Americans think of politicians – but what do politicians think of us, the hoi polloi?

One clue is that numerous politicos are a little touchy about being touched by the masses. It turns out that many who make a living glad-handing really aren't even pleased about shaking our hands. Germs, you know.

For example, at an October fundraiser in Topeka, the Republican faithful lined up to shake hands with the headliner, Dick Cheney. Before getting to the veep, however, they had to get past a lady standing adjacent to Cheney with a big bottle of Purell, a hand sanitizer that promises to kill "99.99% of most common germs." To get their grip-and-grin with the honoree, each person first had to accept a squirt of the goop to purify their hands! Then, after the meet-and-greet was over, Cheney ducked backstage and rubbed a generous dollop of the antiseptic into his own hands, cleansing himself of the human contact he had just endured.

The vice president is not alone in this act of political prissiness. "Good stuff," raved George W. as he touted the purifying qualities of Purell. Bill Clinton also is a user, as is Sen. Barack Obama. And Sen. John McCain says, "I use it all the time. I carry it with me in my briefcase."

Not everyone believes in the shake-and-scrub routine, however. Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico bluntly says: "It's condescending to the voters." Richardson, who once shook a record 13,392 hands at the state fair without using a drop of Purell, adds that "The great part about politics is that you're touching humanity."

I'm with Bill on this. During my own politicking period, my right hand often reeked of various colognes, barbecue sauce, and spilled beer – but to use a sanitizer seems to me a bit like ballplayers using performance-enhancing steroids. If you're afraid of people's germs – find a new game.

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MY GIFT FOR GEORGE W.

I grappled for weeks with the question of what gift I should send to George W. for Christmas. Then, it hit me – what he really could use is a nice, big bottle of Truth Cologne!

Yes, a bracing, aromatic potion that he can splash on every morning after his shower, strong enough to clear his head and let him see the world as it really is. If George had a daily splash of reality, he wouldn't go around saying things that are so obviously untrue.

Take his continuing insistence that the internecine carnage in Iraq is not – repeat, not – a civil war. Never mind that the Sunni and Shiite factions in Iraq are engaged in the dictionary definition of a civil war, with bloodshed now at the highest level since the American invasion. Never mind that Iraqis themselves call it a civil war – as one tribal leader says, "It's a crushing civil war. Mortars kill children in our neighborhoods. We're afraid to travel anywhere because we'll be killed in buses." Also, never mind that the Iraq civil war is broadcast nightly on TV for all to see – a reality that causes 68% of Americans to admit, yep, that's a civil war, for sure.

Yet, Bush & Gang refuse to acknowledge what any sensible person plainly sees. Instead, the Bushites play ridiculous semantic games, claiming that it can't be a civil war because Iraq's insurgents don't have "a clearly identifiable leader," don't wear military uniforms … and don't even whistle "Dixie!"

Of course, admitting that Iraq is in civil war would undo George's "stay the course" strategy, since there's little support for keeping American troops trapped in the crossfire of someone else's internal fight. So, see, by sending Truth Cologne to George, not only can he stop embarrassing himself with his denial of reality, but it also helps bring our troops home. It's the perfect gift!