TCB
By Christopher Gray, Fri., July 2, 2004
Lollapa-Lost
Hmmm ... Lollapalooza canceled? Even with blockbuster acts like Gomez and Le Tigre? Well, sha-zam! Perhaps it's for the best, if this glimpse of what might have happened is any indication ...
P.J. Harvey quits tour after organizer Perry Farrell won't stop calling her "bird."
Shows don't end until sunrise, as Sonic Youth and String Cheese Incident spar over who can drag out a song the longest.
Prolonged exposure to the Polyphonic Spree prompts Morrissey to close his set with the Partridge Family's "Come on Get Happy." Hell places huge parka order.
Über-hipsters the Walkmen, Secret Machines, and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club discover severe allergy to sunlight. Absolutely no one blinks upon learning this.
Travel budget for Polyphonic Spree and Broken Social Scene larger than many European economies. Ticket sales plunge as Americans scrimp and save to buy Britney a wedding present.
No more celebrities left to dress in Flaming Lips' furry animal suits.
Physicists discuss possibility of universe collapsing if Modest Mouse and Danger Mouse appear on the same bill. Ratt unavailable for comment.
Audiences agree tour worked much better the first time – when it was called Coachella.
