How To Ice-Pick a Pie for Thanksgiving

Okay, citizen, there are two ways you can go about this.

1. You can ice-pick a pie for Thanksgiving by picking up a pie from any brick-and-mortar culinary epicenter that also makes pies – the Chronicle’s Jessika Roth has compiled a fine list of those for you right here, btw – and then, immediately after placing that pie on the table among your relatives and/or friends, stab an ice pick right into the center of it.

Don’t be casual about the stabbing action, now. Don’t be nonchalant. Fucking impale that round crusty puppy with great and violent force, as if you were Jason Voorhees shoving the pick into the meaty face of some hapless Crystal Lake camper.

[Note: You can buy an ice pick from any local kitchen-supply store, probably. Maybe H-E-B.]

And then, after you’ve stabbed the pie you’ve so thoughtfully brought to the annual turkeyday gathering – whether you’re out-of-town for the holiday or right here in the ATX – and someone at the table understandably wonders, “Uh, hey, WTF?” That’s when you tell them, “Yeah, I know that might seem kind of weird? But I’m an Austinite, see? And so I’m just, well, I’m just keeping it weird.”

And that’s one way to ice-pick a pie for Thanksgiving.

But, okay, that might seem other than just weird. It might seem, in fact, a bit stupid.

It might seem as stupid as certain city council decisions over the past few years, even.

And of course you don’t want to be perceived as stupid – especially if you’re pretty damned smart, all things considered. Which is why we recommend, instead, the second way of ice-picking a pie for Thanksgiving.

We mean:

2. Get yourself one of the sweet or savory creations from Ice Pick’s Pies.

That’s right, Ice Pick’s Pies – the pie-baking and delivery service run by Austin’s own Gabrielle Faust. We told you about her excellent pastry-covered wares a while ago, in this very article, about the way her Cajun-chicken-and-andouille-sausage pie (wolfed down by our hungry crew in minutes) had us drooling for more … about the perfect juicy sweetness of her three-apple dessert pie … about how Faust is also a successful vampire novelist when she’s not elbows-deep in flour and sugar in her local kitchen of wonders.

And because Thanksgiving is coming up fast – like the mutant Quicksilver, right before he dies in that one MCU movie, remember? – we figured we’d mention Ice Pick’s Pies again. Because we care, citizen. We care, and we’re thankful for your continued readership, and we want you to have the best holiday possible.

And so there you have it: How to ice-pick a pie for Thanksgiving!

And may next year bring us something other than the same fucking turkey we have right now for President.