The Luv Doc: Weird-Looking Vagina

Dear Luv Doc,

Last night my boyfriend of (this is embarrassing) nearly two years and I were lying in bed postcoitally and he said to me, “Did you ever notice how your vagina is kinda weird looking?” I said, “How?” He said, “You’ve got ... like ... extra flaps or something.” I was, to put it mildly, shocked at his ignorance of female genitalia, but even if he was troubled by my anatomy, now he decides to speak up? I feel crazy for even saying this, but I still feel a little bit hurt and ashamed – both of myself and for him. Do I give him a pass for being stupid or should I kick him to the curb and find someone who can communicate like an actual adult?

– Extra Flappy

If I were a priest (because who better to speak definitively on female genitalia than a priest?) I would make it his penance to have to watch every single YouTube video with “Vagina Monologues” in the title or description. It’s probably only a few hundred thousand hours of video, and I think it’s important that he get a first-person perspective – or first-organ perspective, as it were – from similarly “afflicted” women like yourself. There is so much to be learned! For instance: Did you know there is a Canadian Naturist Festival? Nor did I. Turns out they too, had a take on Eve Ensler’s (now known as “V”) mid-Nineties one-woman show about God’s favorite reproductive organ. So did countless colleges, universities, and community theatres. Suffice it to say, Vagina Monologues research is a tremendously deep dive that will surely give him a newfound sense of wonderment and appreciation for the organ that gave us baby Jesus, among other notables.

Now, as I was typing the words “baby Jesus,” I could just imagine the collective groan of modern bro culture. “What? We have to learn about lady parts ... again?” Yes. Why? Well it’s not because the Texas Legislature banned Pornhub and it’s not because you elected a sexual assaulter to helm the great American kleptocracy. It’s not even because only 10% of Joe Rogan’s podcast guests are women – is it Joe’s fault that women aren’t into weightlifting, MMA, and bone broth? No, it’s because only 40% of men 18-24 actually know the location of the clitoris, according to a recent study. Bros. WTF? It turns out maybe we’ve been a little too obsessed with finding Waldo. I think we can all agree that there is something fundamentally wrong with a culture that can find Waldo but can’t find a clitoris. It’s literally the only clitoris in the picture.

Now, it may sound like I am saying you should give your boy a pass. Not so. It might be true that he has a very limited knowledge of vaginas (that’s actually a plus for some women – mostly in rural Utah I would imagine) but his fundamental inability to understand that some thoughts should remain thoughts is not a huge selling point. Don’t get me wrong. Very few people have crossed the thoughts/words threshold more than me – and I have a few decades’ worth of archives to back that up, but there are some things that best remain unspoken. Not every thought needs wings. Some thoughts should be snuffed out like the runt of the litter. I know that sounds really harsh, but every good editor knows you have to kill your darlings. That’s good writing advice even if the Daniel Radcliffe movie with the same name was mid at best.

Your boyfriend took something magical and turned it into a Seinfeld episode. I’m not sure there is a way to get past that. The Vagina Monologues thing is a solid start, but I am not sure there is a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow either. I wish I could make this decision for you, but I don’t have any labia in the game. Ultimately you’re the one who is going to have to let him back in, and you’re the one who is going to have to suffer the consequences of his ignorance.