The Luv Doc: A Pretty Low Bar

Dear Luv Doc,

I met my husband at a small college on the East Coast. After graduating, we moved to NYC (Brooklyn), which is where he grew up. I am from Waco, so the idea of living in a really big city was attractive, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay there forever. We got married in 2022 and a year later my husband got a really great job opportunity in Austin. I was thrilled about the opportunity to get back to my home state, but I had to not only change jobs, I had to change career fields entirely. Overall, the move worked out really well except for one thing. My husband doesn’t drive. As much as we try, Austin isn’t like NYC when it comes to public transportation – especially not to our neighborhood, so the end result is that I have become his personal chauffeur. I have encouraged him to learn how to drive – we have the money to get another car, but he thinks cars are bad for the environment. He also has a lot of anxiety around driving and thinks he would end up having a horrible wreck. Now we are talking about having a baby, which will mean even more driving for me, so I asked him again to consider learning how to drive but he refuses. He says we can “manage.” Any advice on how to get him to learn how to drive?

– Lady Driver

I don’t know where your biological clock is sitting right now, but if you’re patient enough, technology just might solve this problem for you. Well, basically it already has, it just hasn’t reached the consumer car-buying market. But damned if we don’t have a bunch of ghost-driven Waymos zipping around my neighborhood at all hours – which, by the way, is not creepy at all. And here’s the deal: Ghost drivers never sleep, so if you’re on the road at 3am, the only cars on the streets are cop cars, hoopties driven by sober as fuck, haggard-looking Sixth Street bartenders on their way home, people who don’t think they’re about to get pulled over by the cops, and yes, Waymos.

I’m just going to say it: From where I’m sitting, Waymos drive better than easily 80% of the cars on the road. You can scream “conjecture,” but I have driven through just about every neighborhood in Austin except the really rich ones (they have gates), and most of y’all can’t drive for shit. You’re over there doing 40 in the left lane staring at your crotch ... then 30 ... then 20 ... until you realize all the other cars are zipping past you so you speed back up really quickly to show you’re focused and on your game. How many four-lane roads are there in Austin where the speed limit is 20? My guess is zero, except for school zones. Of course, you would have to look up to see a school zone. There are an equally disturbing number of you who can’t seem to stay focused enough to simply hold your lane. How fucking hard is that? Grown-ass people are swerving all over the place like a 9-year-old on THC gummies. Even the good drivers are screaming past everyone else like speed limits are for cucks. It’s fucking crazy out there. Give me a ghost-driven Jaguar any day, that way when some road-raging steroid abuser comes at me with a tire iron, I can say, “Dude, this car has a mind of its own.”

All that said, until technology eradicates traffic trauma by making us all ride shotgun, there are some good reasons for your husband to learn how to drive, not the least of which is to safely drive you the hospital once your water breaks ... or maybe even before, if you’re a big planner. In Texas, we usually get folks started driving by taking them to the go-kart track – ideally before they reach puberty. However, for a full-fledged adult plagued with automotive anxiety, I would recommend a safe driving course. You should choose wisely, of course, but likely the “safe driving” thing will help put your husband’s mind at ease. If you can get him enrolled, stay on him to drive as much as he can – ideally all the time, but first in mostly low-stress situations: Empty parking lots, residential side streets, pretty much all of West Texas. As with any physical motor skill, it’s all about the reps. As far as motivating him? I think this baby is your ace-in-the-hole. That’s probably not the best choice of words, but I have always believed that people should have to have a license to have children, and a driver’s license is a pretty low bar to set, don’t you agree?