The Luv Doc: My Boyfriend Is Watching

Dear Luv Doc,

I started dating a guy I met through a mutual friend about a year ago. We see each other mostly on weekends because he has a house in Kyle and I live in East Austin. When we first started going out he seemed laid-back and confident, but a few months later he started regularly quizzing me about my all social media posts – Instagram, Facebook, X, Threads, TikTok. Questions like: Who was I with? What were we doing? Why was I at (a certain bar) on a Tuesday night? I explained to him that I post a lot on social media because I am in marketing. Being good at social media is part of my job. I don’t think he got it because about six months ago we got in a fight about a post I made while on a wine night with some friends. He kept asking me who was there and I finally told him that if my social media posts upset him so much he should maybe not look at them. He got really angry and stopped speaking to me for nearly a week. He eventually apologized and sent flowers and we got back together, but the only thing that really changed was he quit harassing me about social media posts. He still comments on or likes every post I do – I think just to let me know he’s watching. About half of his comments are pouty ... like, “I guess you didn’t have time to spend with your boyfriend that night.” When I ask him about it, he just says, “It was a joke.” Sometimes when we go out he is extra quiet and I feel like he is fuming about some post I made that he’s not telling me about. It’s becoming a real downer. My friend says I should block him but I am afraid that if I do he will freak out and I will never hear the end of it. Should I start fresh with new accounts?

– Shush ... My Boyfriend Is Watching

Creating a bunch of new social media accounts sounds like an enormous hassle – maybe even more of a hassle than finding a new boyfriend. In at least one of those scenarios you would be totally starting from scratch: New usernames, new friend requests, new profile photos (presumably cooked up on some AI image generator because you wouldn’t want to post actual pictures of yourself – the algorithm would lead your boyfriend right to you). I’m sure the de-aging/aging filters on Snapchat might be fun at first, but after a while they’re going to feel like requirements of a witness protection program.

There’s also the whole honesty thing. Your sages, gurus and messiahs are always going to maintain that honesty is the best policy – even if they’re the figurehead of a fundamentally dishonest cult, religion, or philosophy. The bottom line is, being truthful is a much simpler maintenance situation than lying, and the more elaborate the lie, the more difficult it is to pass it off as truth. If you don’t believe me, ask Jesus. J-dawg certainly wasn’t the first nor the last guru to ask people to suspend their disbelief, but his myth has enjoyed an impressive run despite some glaring factual anomalies. So maybe honesty is the best policy most of the time, but if you feel like you can bring Jesus-level marketing to the table, who am I to stand in your way?

The problem with telling the truth is that even though it’s simple, it is by no means always easy. Myth busters – aka “heretics,” aka “blasphemers,” aka “minions of the devil,” have historically had a rough go of it. The soil on every continent is richly fertilized with the dismembered, tortured, and disfigured remains of myth busters, freethinkers and nonconformists. Eagle iconography notwithstanding, it’s not much different here in the U.S. Mob mentality and mindless tribalism dominates even and especially in the digital age.

So, when I say something truthful like “I am afraid he will freak out” is a pretty huge red flag in any relationship, I’m not fucking around. If you don’t feel safe – even if it’s just “emotionally safe” – communicating your thoughts or feelings to someone you’re intimate with, maybe that’s someone who doesn’t deserve your trust or intimacy at all. Ideally with your romantic partner you should feel safe to say what you want to say and be who you want to be. If that’s not the case, it’s a good sign you should start looking for another romantic partner. That won’t be easy, of course, but it will be a lot easier than living the rest of your life being dishonest for fear of upsetting someone.