The Luv Doc: It Starts with a P

Dear Luv Doc,

Went to a friend’s watch party for the UT/Michigan game (we won!). On the group chat they said they would provide the food and everyone else could bring liquor/beer/etc. I said I’d bring the tequila – which I did. I didn’t bring the most expensive tequila, but no one bought any expensive beer or whiskey or anything. So the first time the Longhorns scored, a woman I have always had a bit of a crush on started screaming, “Everybody has to do shots!” She grabbed the tequila that I brought – which, by the way, I really like – and said very loudly, “Who brought this garbage?” To which I replied, “I did.” and then she said, “Oh well, I guess it will have to do,” and started pouring everyone shots. Then when she did her shot she made a gagging noise and said, “Why didn’t you bring [an expensive tequila that starts with a P]?” I said, “Because I like this tequila.” Then she said, “I’ve never even heard of it. Next time, you’re in charge of ice.” For the rest of the game I was thinking, “What a bitch,” but after she left I was talking to my friend and his wife (the hosts) and they both said they think she has a crush on me. If so, she has a really weird way of showing it. They said I should ask her out. I’m not so sure. What do you think?

– Guy Who Brought the Garbage

As far as I know of, there are only two tequilas that start with the letter P. One is pretty decent and the other is an alcoholic-sorority-girl-with-a-trust-fund flex that is serviceable enough when it’s on someone else’s tab, but laughable to people who actually drink tequila. You have to respect the marketing chops though. It’s amazing how – with enough money – you can get people to buy almost any nauseatingly skunky abomination, and no, I am not just talking about Don John Trump. Remember Heineken®? I bet there are people who still drink that stuff ... probably while listening to jazz and claiming to genuinely love both with a wild-eyed, psychotic intensity.

But what do I know? Heineken® might not be the Dos Equis® of the Netherlands. After all, I’ve had COVID at least four times, so my taste buds could be fakakta. One thing I am certain of, though, is that if I am down in Acuña, my cerveza won’t have X’s and my tequila will be in an art deco bottle with a label that features an angel blowing a horn. Why? Because like you, I don’t drink garbage. That said, I greatly enjoy watching people drink overpriced tequila – especially if it makes them feel superior as a result. It gives me the comforting feeling that I could swap careers and make a fortune selling junk bonds or bitcoin. The only hitch would be having to hang out in douchey bars waiting for some high roller to order tequila shots of a certain brand. Eureka! Swimming pools. Movie stars.

Now, as far as this screaming shots lady goes, I’ll agree she sounds a bit obnoxious, but she might be a real catch. Plus, how do I know you aren’t one of those overly sensitive types who doesn’t know when someone is yanking his chain to see if he has any spunk? I don’t, which means she might also be a real dumpster fire. I would say its probably a good sign that your friends think you should ask her out, but if your friends are like my friends, they might just be sadists whose idea of a good time is watching a dumpster fire burn. I guess it all comes down to trust. Think of it this way: You had a crush on her to begin with and the only thing that has changed is that now you know she is sassy (possibly obnoxious) and she likes overpriced tequila. There are surely worse dumpster fires to jump into. She could be an Aggie, for instance. Maybe you should ask her out and show up at her doorstep with a bucket of ice. Women love a man who listens.