The Luv Doc: Antiquing

Dear Luv Doc,

I am an old codger who is set in his ways, but I just turned 65 and I have been thinking that maybe it’s time to find a good woman and settle down. The only problem with this plan is that I have never been a one-woman guy. The few long-term relationships I have had over the years always ended because I couldn’t keep it in my pants. I would stray and the relationship would end and I would be on to another. It seems like I want to have sex with every woman I meet. Back when I was younger, a lot of them would take me up on it, but nowadays it’s rare that I meet a woman who is even interested in sex at all. They are either too old and not interested in sex, or too young and not interested in me. And then there is still that wandering eye problem. Is it hopeless for me to try to change after all these years? Can I settle down with one woman, or should I man up and ride off into the sunset alone? Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

– Retirement Age

This is amazing! I was just huddling with the Chronicle marketing team devising diabolically clever new ways to make this revered yet ancient print publication more appealing to a younger, spend-happy demographic, and your email popped up in my inbox. Praise Jesus! And by the way, when I am praising Jesus, I am praising the smooth-skinned, retinol-flush, infant Jesus and not the haggard, sunburnt, 33-year-old slim-jim hippie Jesus that got hung out on the cross like a strip of Inuit salmon. “Why?” you may ask. Because the Luv Doc keeps it fresh. Plus, praise is always better than admonition, isn’t it? More flies with honey. That type of thing.

Speaking of, if you were honey, you would likely be a dark amber. Still sweet, but maybe a little funky with a slightly puzzling aftertaste. Something that might make a person think, “What the fuck was this bee up to?” What I’m saying is, inevitably ... with your older types ... you’re going to find a few quirks. There is always going to be a protracted history to sift through, and that’s to be expected. You never go antiquing thinking you’re going to find a flawlessly preserved Louis XIV bureau brisé. No sir. You know that if you’re lucky enough to find one at all, it’s going to have some dents, scratches, and discolorations, and if it doesn’t? Well, you don’t need to work at Sotheby’s to know it’s definitely a fake.

Judging by your refreshingly honest disclosure, it doesn’t sound like you’re a fake. In fact, you sound a bit too real for the average antiquer. That’s going to be your first hurdle: Finding someone who is attracted to an aging Lothario who has only recently decided to abandon his philandering ways. I’m going to be honest: That’s a really shallow dating pool – if only for health reasons, but it’s also safe to say that the women in that pool are going to be extra thirsty. They know what they’re getting into and probably don’t care, but they’re going to be on high alert, so you’re going to have to keep your wandering eyeball in its socket.

Therefore, in the spirit of growth and improvement, I am going to suggest you seek professional help – perhaps a therapist ... perhaps someone used to working with old dogs ... and try to unpack why you can’t keep your eye from wandering. Did your mother leave you to cry in the crib while she watched her soaps and smoked her Pall Malls? Do you have some sort of psychotic need for external validation? Who knows? You should probably get a handle on that before the next time you try to sport-fuck someone’s grandmother, because that could go horribly wrong. The good news is you came to the right place to get your life back on track. You’re welcome. Remember: Always do the work and don’t skip leg day. You got this.