The Luv Doc: A Personal Problem

Dear Luv Doc,

What can I say to a guy I know is hooking up with my drinking buddy's wife? This middle aged wife "talked" my buddy into an open marriage at the beginning of the year. She's proved to be a cougar, getting on Tinder and now getting dick pics. It's all in the open, hence I put together 2+2 and figured out one of the cubs she's on trains at the same place as I do. The cub and I talk normally, "How ya doing?" "Do you need a hand?" So far I've kept mum. But I'm thinking things like, "What's it like with a woman old enough to be your mom?" or, "Hey, my buddy would like some tips on what his wife is into?" What is the etiquette now? Can I be open: "Hey, I heard you're banging <name>. Her husband would like to figure out what she's looking for, got any tips for him?"  – "Keep Austin Friendly" Say What?

I'll be the first to admit I'm no Emily Post, but my gut instinct on this is that your drinking buddy's wife's activities on Tinder are none of your goddamned business, public or not. While it's truly wonderful that you care enough about your drinking buddy to want to intercede on his behalf, consider the possibility that your protective instinct arises from your own patriarchal beliefs about marital relationships ... beliefs he might not share. In fact, I think you can safely assume that if he agreed to an open relationship, there is a decent chance he entered into that agreement willingly.

If for some reason you're embarrassed or indignant because you think that your drinking buddy has been emotionally bullied by his wife into becoming some sort of obsequious beta cuck, you might want to sit with those emotions for a while and try to understand where they're coming from. Maybe fidelity is a really important issue for you, or maybe you have a strong desire to be seen as in control of your own relationships. Outstanding. That's a good thing to know about yourself so you can recognize those feelings and keep them in check. Trying to control relationships rarely ends well – especially when you're trying to control a relationship you're not even in. Take off your hall monitor vest and simmer down for a second.

I get it. You care about your drinking buddy and don't want him to get hurt. It's no different than if you discovered he had a bad drinking problem, right? If that were actually the case, would you go around town publicly shaming bartenders and liquor store clerks – or perhaps sending strongly worded, chastising emails to distilleries? Sure, that might be fun and possibly even somewhat therapeutic for you, but I seriously doubt it would do any good for your drinking buddy.

Perhaps a better approach would be to check in with your drinking buddy, and make absolutely sure he's OK with the current situation – you know, one of those long, awkward conversations that really ruins a good buzz. You might well have already done this, and he might, in fact, be deeply dissatisfied with the current state of his relationship. If so, you should absolutely be a good drinking buddy and encourage him to address his dissatisfaction in a healthy and supportive way. Beyond that, you've got to let him live his life, even if you don't approve of how he's living it.

The same goes for the cougar and the cub. It's OK for you to disapprove of what they're doing. I have no doubt you would feel the same way if your friend was having sex with a younger woman he met on Tinder. Just know that your disapproval – especially when it concerns a relationship between two consenting adults and you're not one of them – is a personal problem. If you want to fix that, you're going to need to do some work. Maybe your drinking buddy could give you a spot.